Gimme some Love

Well, I graduated this month with a Bachelors of Science in Mass Communications. I performed in Muse, a cabaret show that I also co-founded and co-produced with my three girls from Lipstick. And I began assistant teaching Melissa O's new hip hop class. I feel like I have a future to be excited about as I now have time to travel and decide what I really want to do.

Why, then, do I feel so empty inside?

I feel like I really need to find a man to share all of these accomplishments with. I feel alone and there is such a strange emotion that comes with that. I've never known this feeling. It is slightly refreshing to come to a point where I feel like I can be co-dependent and take a shot at an actual relationship. It's just that the person I was excited about venturing into this with is so far out of my reach and I don't know if he'll ever come around.

It's so weird how sometimes I feel like I'd be satisfied with just anyone. Then I find myself in the company of a guy and it's almost as if he's not even really there. I'd rather be alone than be with just anyone. And guys are such slimebags sometimes. The ones you think are your friends show their true intentions and it's just a mess. For instance, the other night I went out to a Latin club with a guy I consider a friend. He had a girlfriend last I checked but revealed to me that night that they'd broken up. Not that his presence in that relationship had ever stopped him from flirting with me before which should've been my first sign. Anyway after the club he came up to watch Precious and started brushing my hair and trying hard to stay the night but I got him to leave by tellin him I had to get up early for breakfast, which was the truth. Anyway he left but the next afternoon he sent me a text sayin "I forgot to tell you, if you wanted breakfast I have sausage at my place, hehehe." Wtf? He said that he knew if he offered I wouldn't refuse. I was like wtf are you talking about. Shit like that really gets on my nerves.

On the other hand, this guy I met a year or so ago who has a son keeps telling me how much he cares for me and how he'd do anything to be with me. He said that I'm what he wants for Christmas. I find that so sweet and I do feel he's sincere but I also feel he's too naive and tender for me. I know I'm capable of being very complicated and difficult and I wouldn't want to put someone like him through that. I don't think he's strong enough.

But the bottom line is....I need a man pronto. I mean even if it's just long enough to get some extra Christmas gifts. :-/

Blitz Time

So much is going on!!

Life is so hectic and I feel like the climax of this year is coming right at its end. I'm graduating in a few WEEKS! And my girls and I are putting on our first cabaret show in less than a month. "Muse" is going to be amazing, I already know that, but damn I'm so glad there are four of us to put this together. We have everything in place but now we just have to promote like crazy. I can't even think because I have too much to do and procrastination is following me everywhere on this journey.

But it's exciting! http://lipstickvixens.weebly.com/index.html...check the website!

IN other news...I'm still single & lonely. Being independent seems to get harder everyday, which makes me wonder if it's just a phase or if I'm really getting that old and pathetic...scary.

Love: The competition of fools who always lose...

It wasn't love...

nor anything to resemble it at all...so what am I still clinging to? The possibility.

in any situation where the possibility of love is present, we find it difficult to leave. All I needed was more time and I would've opened up....just a little more time...

Now I'm back to my independent, self-sufficient self. Freedom's taste is always bittersweet. I escaped the grasp of the unknown, but now I go back to the same ole.

As I weigh them repeatedly: "unknown", "same ole"... I think I'd like something different for a change.

But damn...it's too late...or is it?

Quem sabe!

Secrets: some mine, some his, some our's....

How beautiful the day will be, if ever it shall come, that I have partial contentment and satisfaction. I say partial, because I don't seek complete contentment nor complete satisfaction. In that state, I feel I would become stagnant. I am a fan of constant progression but I want to at least be content in the path that I choose. I wonder if I should even attempt to apply this to matters of the heart. My emotions are so ephemeral. Well, emotions are ephemeral in nature but I wish my affections toward people would last long enough for me to have a full blown relationship. I can't keep changing my mind.

All elusiveness aside, I have been dating two guys: Rogers, the Dominican with the cute accent and beautiful caramel brown complexion who is also slightly stalkerish and just borderline crazy, and Matt, the country boy, tall and statuesque, simple, yet irritatingly enigmatic. I am physically attracted to both and drawn to them for different reasons.

Matt is so sweet and his Southern charm is something I am not used to but have grown surprisingly fond of. There is no surprise in the fact that I am attracted to Rogers because I usually am a sucker for the whole seemingly naive foreigner with the sexy accent. When we're together he is very sweet and so sexy. But when we communicate over the phone, which at this point is our primary form of communicating, it's just tedious and exacting. He becomes demanding, uber sensitive and constantly asking why I can't make time for him etc. But on the plus side, at least we're communicating!

Matt and I interact well intimately, but sometimes when we're together there isn't alot of verbal communication. And we never have telephone conversations. Matt is definitely not a conversationalist by any means. He is completely blue collar, which Rogers is right now as well but he plans to go to college. Matt finds college a waste of his time. That's fine but I feel like I need more of an intellectual to relate to when it comes time for me to really engage in a true conversation, which I need to do on the regular. Also, I know it's stupid but I find astrology so accurate! Not horoscopes usually but just the descriptions of the signs. When I first found out Matt was a Scorpio I immediately consulted multiple astrology websites to find out our compatibility. It said that we could have a great sexual connection but should not attempt a relationship. I know I shouldn't let that sway me but it does stay in the back of my mind.

UPDATE: I drafted this blog a few days ago and since then some noteworthy things have definitely taken place....

So Thursday night, Rogers and I went to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself at the Bowtie Cinemas. Of course, he was a gentlemen like he usually is, but I still had feelings of anxiety and guilt right from the start. My eyes kept darting back and forth around the streets, and in cars, trying to make sure none of Matt's friends were around. Matt went to Vegas Thursday so I knew he would at least be no where in sight. Anyway, Rogers wanted to hold hands and do couple like things and I just complied in an effort not to upset or offend him, but I knew inside that I was wasting both of our time at this point. After the movie we went to 3rd St Diner and he made a call to the Dominican Republic. Usually, this would have irritated me but I was relieved that we didn't have to engage in much conversation. Then, on the way home he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't say yes for obvious reasons. I felt, no, I still feel awful. Though I don't trust him, I couldn't help but feel sympathy when he talked about how he feels so lonely here sometimes and wishes he could go home alot. Man, I just led him on and wasted his time. But I thought I liked him! I do like him...sometimes. Well he wouldn't let me go until I gave him an answer. I just said I couldn't say yes because I don't feel like I know him well enough now. He said he feels like I put a wall between he and I and he doesnt like that. He told me if I don't let myself go then I will have to become a monk or something. Sigh...when he reluctantly let me walk into my building I kept turning around to look back and he was just sitting on his car watching me the whole time. It was slightly bizarre but also a bit romantic... I guess.

In Matt news, he called last night to talk for a while which made me happy. Especially since when I was at the movies w/ Rogers and he left to use the restroom, I checked my cell and saw Matt had texted me saying he was poolside in Vegas thinking about me and wishing I was there. I was like perfect timing! Just make me feel worse! But that's what I get anyway. He wants to do movie night this week so this time I have to make him talk to me about everything. I need to figure out ALOT of shit.


Well, the dance world is still spinnin at least. We're preparing for the second & third burlesque shows now since we don't have another performance with Niya until next month. I'm excited about the new concept. We're thinking of wearing trench coats, with lingerie underneath and using umbrellas. We'll dance to Danity Kane "Striptease". That's the plan for now anyway. Sunday should be interesting because we have practice with Flava, who we are not doing this burlesque show with :-x, and then we're goin to work with Melissa after who we've decided we want to do burlesque with this go round. By "we" I mean me and Diana. Sarah is just being blindly led into this silent betrayal with us but she won't say a word. In reality, I care not. Too many reasons to even bother blogging about.

The final bit of news is that I'm trying to sublet my apartment and move a little farther from campus. If my plan works, I'll save alot of money and get out of this sheltered college, city bubble I've been living in for the past 4+ years.

It's time to grow up!

Sweet

:-) :-) :-)

Smiles all around! God is good! I'm so elated right now! Life is great, haha. I finished my summer school class today. My dad paid for it for me so I don't have to worry about my account going to collections, and I get to stay in my apartment for another year. I LOVE my apartment & I HATE moving so that is just fabulous.

And last but not least, I really have something special goin on with a very attractive, hard working, incredibly sweet man. He's so cute. I just think about him and smile. :-) I honestly can not remember the last time I was feelin someone this hard. He's 25 & tall and he's a country boy which normally isn't my flavor but he really satisfies me & every way so far. I'm very intrigued....
We give each other massages, watch movies, just lay in bed all afternoon, text during the day. The usual things I laugh at other people for doing. He makes me so comfortable around him it's just like nothing else really matters. Oh God, listen to me...I got it bad....and that makes me deliciously nervous.

untitled

In the midst of writing songs today, I scrolled through my journal and stumbled upon this poem I wrote a little while ago. I don't think I liked it much when I first wrote it, but today I'm really feelin' it. So, I'm posting it:

I have such intimate dreams
in which reality deems itself prisoner
to an overbearing fantasy.

I rationalize, as the stars capitalize on my
vulnerability.

dreams which enlighten my soul,
dreams that make me feel whole,
dreams that make me wish I didn't dream,
that way reality wouldn't seem so dismal.

The calamity of a broken home
The truth we seek, but see only in undertones
The void we feel; that of a king who's lost his throne
We're all thrown, so now,
I walk alone...

To my dreams.
I am the portrait which the rest of the room
is centered around,
Dreams may come and go
Yet I remain unchanged,
Everything around me is simply rearranged,
As one dream goes and the next ordains.

Creative Juices Just Flowin'!

Man, does it feel good to be alive!

The past two weeks brought much stress but how fantastic is it now that everything fell into place so perfectly. I finally got in touch with my uncle Leonard in Malawi a few days ago. He called and we chatted for a bit; he is a very educated man I discovered. He works as the Director of Parks & Wildlife in Malawi which is a very small country above Mozambique. He and my father's mother was Malawian. Anyway, he is putting the money from my dad into my account soon so my brokeness can temporarily desist and I can pay my summer school bill. Tudo bom!!

EXCITING NEWS! This guy, PJ, who used to be in Flava, but left to pursue music, is now a member of a hip hop group called Embassy. They were close to getting signed by Sony once, but anyway Lady Gaga is coming here in September and they are opening for her. Sooo PJ asked us to be their backup dancers for the show! Sooo awesome! I'm going to be on stage right before Lady Gaga...dancing!! I'm very excited about it. Gotta hit the gym for real before this one. Their myspace is www.myspace.com/1embassy. Their stuff sounds good, too. Should be delicious!

Another tasty happening in the life of Lo: I have a boo! ;-) Now I know I have many boos but this one is very romantic & exciting. He is very respectful and seems to really like me. The thing that sucks is I met this fine Dominican guy who works at Wal-mart around here and though he has a tricky accent & says some questionable things, he seems to be very sweet also. But I've already made out with boy #1 and I actually really like kissing him, which is rare, because I generally am not big on kissing. Either way, I want to keep the discussion of him to a minimum so I don't force myself into any habitual over thinking.

VERY EXCITING NEWS!! Me & Alex finished recording the first song for my demo! It's called "When You Say" and it's so tight. It really became something even greater than I thought when I first went in and recorded it acappella. He's really helped make it come to life! It's very exciting to have a song I wrote,vocally arranged, and sang. Too too cool. I love it! 3 more to go... it's so fun being creative & just using the talent God gave you!


:-) yay.

;-)

I should sleep.

But...I have insomnia of course. I am just so energized right now. I'm about to choreograph a dance & do it over & over in hopes that I will be so exhausted after, I'll fall right out. I have so much passion festering inside of me, I don't even know where to place it. I've been doing so much writing lately. I finished so many songs that me & Alex are recording and it really feels good. I really am as talented as I believed I was deep down inside, which is refreshing & exciting. I have a true passion for life again; it's delicious!

I got my group a gig at a new burlesque show beginning August 8th. Our relationship with Lyric Ave has been somewhat destroyed because grown folk just don't know how to act: a sad truth, but it matters not. This show we are at least guaranteed to walk away with ca$h money, not much, but money is money. The best part is that the lady is charge of booking acts liked our video so much, she said we don't even have to strip we can just dance and get paid. Our dances are already pretty sexy anyway so we'll wear just enough that we feel comfortable and I know we'll wow the crowd because...well, we are FLAVA. I'm very excited. The more exposure we can get, the better. Also, since this is a monthly show we can expand and really grow creatively because we'll have to come up with fresh concepts more frequently. I am trying to get to a position where I can use my dancing as my livelihood for a while until I can get my music together. I mainly write ballads but Alex has really good music I can definitely dance to so we're going to write upbeat songs together and hopefully it'll be magic. I know it will. I'm just so excited for the future.

I'm still penniless...but my dad has two g's at the bank in Mozambique waiting for me. I just have to get it together. Until then...I'll be vivendo bem com pouco!

let's be real...

I'm really struggling.

emotionally, financially, just generally. I know my financial situation will improve, but my emotions are overwhelming. I feel so sad and I am finally putting together the pieces of my past. The immeasurable amount of suppression I've done over the years of my pain and the breaking of my family is surfacing. It just seems like a dream now. I separate those years from my reality because I forget what it was like to have a father there. I try to hold on to those days when we all lived together in a house and functioned as a family and there were no struggles; well, none that I could see as a child; nothing to break us. Yet, today we're in pieces, and I still can't figure it out. I never cried about this when it was happening. Everything just happened and there were never any questions or answers. I always thought we'd be put back together and the situation was temporary. Now, it's been so long and I realize my heart is broken. And so I struggle more and more everyday. I kept trying to justify so much to myself. All I really need is for something to happen so that I know there is a father for me out there. Talking to him on the phone is not enough. I am seeking tangibility in this relationship. And yet, I also fear that when I get what I want it will never be enough, or I will wish I had left it alone. The man has so many faces. I look in the mirror everyday and see one of them, and I'm sad that he can't see it himself.

This situation sucks.

R.I.P Michael Jackson

As everyone knows I have been completely shocked and distraught over the death of the iconic Michael Jackson. It is not my concern whether people can relate nor understand how I can mourn the death of someone I did not actually know personally. All I do know is that Michael's musical influence impacted my life more than any other artist who came after him. As a dancer , singer and a lover of music in general, Michael gave me so much. I will never stop celebrating his life as a musician and how he changed pop culture. This man single handedly destroyed racial lines in pop music and has become the biggest international music star who ever lived. That is nothing to overlook and obviously did not come without a serious cost to Michael's personal life. That which is none of our business should not alter the way we view this man as an entertainer because he truly is incomparable and legendary, and will never be forgotten.




RIP M.J. We love you.

workout

I have nothing to do today...well until my summer reading meeting about body image and eating disorders starts at 6pm and then my dinner date at 7pm, but until then I am going to work out like crazy just to see how much I can endure.

I am going to do as many squats, crunches, and push ups etc as I can handle. I love looking up new fitness regimens online so I'm going to do some research before I get started. I'm pretty excited about it but dunno why. Afterward I'm going to take a long shower & probably go laze on the roof for an hour.


hmmm...sounds like a plan.

******************Looking In***************

You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbours adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me

Don't say she takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well, here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

Little Jackie

I’m just like black Barbie

The life of the party
I light up the TV
Arrested for D-WI’s
sent me to the slammer
Did time without glamour
Time stood still without my pain kill pills
Don’t need a lawyer
I got Diane Sawyer
She’ll interview me
And prove that I’m not guilty
I’m a reformed slut
I’m a much better woman after the twelve step program
And now I can drink again
Cheers!
To my publicist for making me look like an angel
Cheers!
To the media
I’m back from hell with a story to tell

Before I’d make believe I’m a celebrity
All the boys wanna get with me
I am too sexy
I’m black barbie
Up all night having fun
I love to party
Just like the white one
I believe in make believe
I believe in making me
Black Barbie
I love to party
Up all night having fun
Just like the white one

I live the simple life
I am the socialite
I got no appetite
Ain’t got no cellulite
Got a disorder I eat all the time
Im part ethiopian
that’s why I stay so thin
Yeah never ever had to watch my weight
Just call my publicist, she’ll get my story straight
Went from a size 8 to a 0
Just like magic I’m a weight-loss hero
Bon appetite
I promise I eat
I’m a mess in a designer dress
I’ve been so distressed
I confess
But there’s no such thing as bad press

Before I’d make believe I’m a celebrity
All the boys wanna get with me
I am too sexy
I’m black barbie
Up all night having fun
I love to party
Just like the white one
I believe in make believe
I believe in making me
Black Barbie
I love to party
Up all night having fun
Just like the white one
Ah
Cool, hot
I’m cool, I’m hot
I’m cheery CHIMMY?
And so slim
I live in a perfect world
I live in a perfect world
I live in a perfect world
I live in a perfect world

Before I’d make believe I’m a celebrity
All the boys wanna get with me
I am too sexy
I’m black barbie
Up all night having fun
I love to party
Just like the white one
I believe in make believe
I believe in making me
Black Barbie
I love to party
Up all night having fun
Just like the white one

;-)

I keep staying out until 6am... It feels like summer vacation from high school or something.

Life is so fun! The only thing I'm missing is a job which (not to jinx myself) but I think that problem will be solved tomorrow. Yay!

This weekend was too fun for words. We went to mad parties and & just had a blast. Tonight is going to be more mayhem.

The only thing that sucks is that I have more bug bites than I can count. Anyway, Beyonce's song "Broken Hearted Girl" has me just pressing repeat non-stop. I love it!

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

I Photoshopz til I Dropz...(idk)

(yes, I need to get a life) I'm going to post these because I found photoshop tools I didn't know existed, though they looked alot more profound in the actual photoshop program. Whatever.

What a Night...

So last night was yet another one where morning comes and you're like "wtf I stayed out this late for real??"

but it was hilarious. Went to NY Deli for some bangin dessert & drinks, then to Gallery 5 for old hip hop karoke. The dj was tight but we got there at like the end and I was pissed I had to pay cover. Anyway tho, after that we went to some crazy ass blog launch party of Cameron's...didn't stay long tho. I got home and was gettin down in the dumps because of this SHIT David was IMing to my phone after I wasted my time walking 3 blocks to meet him.

theimburglar (2:42:16 AM): lol i'm bout to make my facebook username lois I hate you

theimburglar (2:42:51 AM): because you always cause problems with me

theimburglar (2:44:11 AM): I try to be nice to you but you fucking are all upity all the time and fucking me over

...UPPITY? because I don't want to make out with him in public or let him grope me in the middle of the street...no it's not called "uppity" its called having self-respect in public.

theimburglar (2:48:25 AM): no one is reading you wrong

theimburglar (2:48:32 AM): you are presenting yourself wrong

theimburglar (2:48:54 AM): lol i'm an asshole to you because its funny
theimburglar (2:58:30 AM): i dont know what you are mad about anymore

theimburglar (2:58:37 AM): you are pissed at me for to many reasons

theimburglar (3:00:30 AM): lol you did me wrong by getting in my life

theimburglar (3:00:42 AM): you cause problems for shit i dont even know what i did wrong

theimburglar (3:03:54 AM): i'm saying you are the only problem in my life

theimburglar (3:04:00 AM): you yell at me for shit i didn't do

theimburglar (3:04:07 AM): but whatever i'm going to sleep

theimburglar (3:05:38 AM): i'm not being hurtful, i'm being defensive

theimburglar (3:05:43 AM): and being honest

theimburglar (3:05:51 AM): you flip out on me for nothing, i'm tired of it

theimburglar (3:06:23 AM): you are being a cunt half the time

theimburglar (3:07:00 AM): dont blame it on me for your shitty attitude on life

theimburglar (3:07:48 AM): because you are a cunt and no one likes your piss poor attitude

theimburglar (3:09:33 AM): not morally

theimburglar (3:09:43 AM): your attitude is shit, you are just a mean person

theimburglar (3:10:49 AM): lol this is the same reason i didnt get serious with you years ago, you are a bitch and dont realize it, a mean person

theimburglar (3:20:08 AM): i'm not saying sorry for anything tonight, you brought it on

yourself

theimburglar (3:33:04 AM): i'm not stubborn, i realize how you are and dont ever expect much from you

theimburglar (3:34:53 AM): yeah i know, i should work on not wasting my time on you

theimburglar (3:42:11 AM): i already forget what i said

theimburglar (3:42:32 AM): but i hope it angered you

theimburglar (3:52:10 AM): aight then cold hearted girl

theimburglar (3:52:29 AM): you put the hate in my heart because you talk bad about everyone

theimburglar (3:53:00 AM): i did nothing wrong to you i was along for your hate ride

theimburglar (3:54:32 AM): i know i'm right

theimburglar (3:54:35 AM): thats all that matters

(I mean I was just crackin up throughout this whole conversation because this is coming from someone who spends ZERO time with me and is holding shit against me from 2+ years ago. I chose to distance myself from the group of friends that we were both a part of because I can smell people's BULLSHIT from ten miles away. It wasn't fun anymore, I had little in common with them & I'd rather leave a situation in a poised manner before shit just turns completely sour. Sorry that some people don't have radar like mine but that's your own damn problem. I don't waste my time on people, period. Well with the exception of having wasted 2 years talking to his stupid ass. If I'm being perceived as a bitch, pardon my French but I don't give a F*CK! Now look, shortly after I left that damn group it all crumbled to pieces anyway. The truth about people came out. See, I just didn't need to stick around waiting for something to happen that I already knew was destined to be.Holding shit against me in defense of people he doesn't even talk to anymore who probably would never even care to defend him in any kind of situation just doesn't make sense to me. So David, I find you truly pathetic. You humor me. And YES I am a bitch when it comes to you because you deserve it. )

Moving along, I went back out to this all Asian occasion and met back up with Neil, Marie, & John who were all so drunk it was just too funny. Then we went to some random party where there was a huge skate ramp in the middle of the apartment and some kind of fake ass fight club shit goin down inside. I don't know but Neil got it on his iphone. Insanity.

Friday night I went out to the hookah bar with a friend of mine. He's Asian and has a gf but I figured we'd just be kickin it. He was flirting with me so hard it was just kinda messed up. Talkin about how he usually dates black girls and I was trying to change the subject but it somehow kept getting back to that. My, oh, my...I think I'm pretty much destined to be the other woman. This is not the first time this has happened to me. I need to figure out what about me makes people want to cheat. It's lame.

I'm going to make some coffee and go on the roof since that is pretty much all I do these days. August hurry up and get here already!!

oh, brazil

Sooo we're not doing the D.C thing nemore ( just like that)

but I don't care because I just found out the greatest news about this boy I been intrigued by. And that is that he is a full blooded Brazilian straight out of Sao Paulo. hell yessss!

Someone to practice my Portuguese with. Now I just have to put my plan into motion. hehehe

neway I still have no job. :-(

summer nightsss

Soooo.... Today we find out that the next Lyric ave performance will be in D.C. at the Lincoln Center. We have a month to come up with and perfect two new dances to do there. This is the 6th year anniversary show so it's just gotta be on point. I'm excited but know it's time to get down to business. Today we met up and pick out the songs and what we'll wear for the opening. I just hope everything comes together like we need it to so after the show there will be no worries just partying in the clubs in D.C.! I'm definitely looking forward to that. I secretly hope someone with connections is in the crowd who will offer some kinda of really high profile paying gig, because I need a big break so I can make some big money lol.

Anyway, last night we broke into Hollywood Cemetary (by "broke in" I mean we climbed a fence). We walked around lookin at the graves and avoiding the security car that was driving through. It was such an adventure. I love hanging out with boys. Anyway we were looking for a route to the river so we could get in it and while we were walkin along the train tracks a train came! So John went and jumped on it, Slumdog Millionaire style. Then once it came to pretty much a halt me Adam and Neil hopped on too lol. It was fun.

Neway, while I was there an old friend Joe called and invited me over to hang at his place for a bit and catch up. So I went over and had a drink and we talked about old times. It's so funny how things change and when so little time passes it feels like an eternity. I'd like to say I'm happy with where I'm at now. I don't have it all together but I'm well on my way. He is too! I believe in him. It was hella cool. So I got home at like 4am and passed out.

Today is so stormy. It's really peaceful though. I want to go sit on the rooftop right when the storm ends tonight and take in the breeze.

I wonder what tomorrow brings!

money on my mind....

I don't know how much longer I can put off work. Not that I'm purposely putting it off but I need to get on the grind and kick this job search into the highest gear. I have like $7 in my account right now, no lie. Now that the $860.00 for rent is taken care of I'm at least glad I don't have to worry about it, but I am running out of food and patience.

Tomorrow night Rick is making me filet mignon with bleu cheese crumbles on top. I have never looked forward to a meal so much in my life, lol. He also bought me a few groceries so that's good.

Today, I went to the library and looked through a grant book and found some potential organizations that will help with my last little bit of school I need to finish and also pay me. I'm looking into AmeriCorps jobs right now. I also am looking into getting an individual grant to possibly start a non-profit organization in the future. Since I am going to seek employment with the non-profit sector after I get my Bachelors with public relations concentration, I figure I might as well try to just start my own organization. I do know it would require an incredible amount of time and research but I think once I get to Mozambique and have my dad's business/entrepreneurial skills to reference, I can really come up with something amazing. We shall see. My mind is always going in too many directions for me to focus on one thing long enough to see it through, so I need to learn how to go one step at a time. Anyway though, I did get the idea to try to write a grant proposal for my dance group so we can hire this choreographer we want for the summer and hopefully travel or so something that will give us more exposure and therefore jobs. My mind is on the money right now. Which is a place I HATE for it to be, but a girl has GOT to eat. /live/dance/go out/pay tithes///////

thank you Gold's....for EVERYTHING!

oh me, oh my...

I feel so ecstatic right now. I knew the only reason I had been feeling slightly depressed was because I stopped working out hardcore. I tried to deny the fact that my body NEEDS intense exercise but it's just a fact. I started working out when I was very young so it's just a part of me. I feel so happy right now and I haven't felt so giddy in a while....probably since my last serious workout which was when I went to bring a friend day at Diva boot camp in like March.

(disclaimer...I was giddy on Saturday but I was at the BEACH! )

Me & my girlfriends went to Gold's Gym today & paid the $10 guest fee and took a bunch of classes. Well I slept thru the 6am bootcamp but I went to guts & butts, bodypump, and zumba. I have been waiting to take Zumba for a while and it was everything I expected and more. Soooo fun! Bodypump was a challenge when we had to work the upper body because I never work my upperbody anymore. My arm muscles grow too quickly and I don't wanna look masculine since my legs take longer to build muscle. But man my legs are so strong now. I must've done like 500 squats and lunges today with hardly any difficulty.

Anyway it was amazing & I feel great! YAY for fitness!

In other news...I have no new boys in my life now. I haven't made out with a boy since I went to Roberto's to watch a movie like 3 weeks ago or whenever it was before he went to Spain. I guess it really doesn't matter. I don't wanna get into any situations right now. I need to focus on getting a temporary job, getting my degree, and starting my career.

oh...and goin to Brazil. Gotta work on gettin money for that tourist Visa. Then seeing about getting my master's at University of São Paulo. I am waiting for their email response to some questions I had. ugh... I need answers to all of life's questions!


*siiiiiiiigh*

love notes derived from falsities

Like a magician
he takes my dreams & turns them into a real, live paradise
He asks to hold my hand & I offer him my heart,
never thinking twice.
Somebody wise once gave me this advice:
a woman only needs a moment to determine if a man is the one;
then I saw him and when I did I felt the sun,
and every man before him was instantly outdone.
Ironically, I found love yet I don't feel the need to run.
Finally, a new chapter has begun????

I'm i.n.s.a.n.e.

(I wrote that mess last week foolin around on my blackberry. )

I really don't think I fall in "love" easily. Hell I'm a cynic, I try to convince myself that I don't even believe in it. But I do know that I fall in & out of lust very easily, and over & over & over again. and it's so wonderful, lol

the scattering of the brain shall continue...

Whew...a went through another whirlwind of getting it all wrong.

"Eu sei, jogos de amor são pra se jogar, ah por favor, não vem me explicar o que eu não sei e o que eu já sei"....

blah.blah.blah.
I miss that boy & I don't even know why. Facebook stalkin like a MOFO'!

I have a show tomorrow and I don't know wtf is gonna happen, lol. Practice got cancelled tonight which is really not a good thing...and I'm sick on top of it all.

Poop sandwich!!!

off

Something is peculiar...


that's all I have to say......

Cinco de Nada

Life is weird. Everything I think I want I end up not really wanting, at some time or another. Indecisiveness may very well be the death of me in terms of relationships, careers, etc.

blah

It's cinco de mayo tho and that means I will hopefully be taking some shots of tequila later so that I can further internalize my disgruntledness & somewhat adolescent issues and put on my other face. It's so convenient when you get to escape the real world and hide behind that blurry mask that is alcohol.

I'm babbling...

junk

I stayed out last night until the sun rose. I haven't made a night of nething like that since this past summer when me & Rashad stayed out in LODO until like 6am.

Super fun & exciting.

It wasn't good come time for dance practice however. I was so out of it & just waiting for the end of practice lol. But we did learn a really fun ending to our main number for Lyric Ave. Now I'm way more excited for the next show.

Me & Jess went to Akida for sushi last night & it was so delicious. I want to go back sometime this week. Their sushi is so great & cheap. Good thing I made 43 bucks selling two books back yesterday. I definitely thought I would only get 5 bucks a pop & was about to not even bother selling them back but I'm sure glad I did because otherwise I would've been broke! Well I'm broke now again anyway. I have just enough money in my account to pay rent. Thankfully my mom is giving me 600 dollars...I hope, lol. If not I have more books lol. Blah, I really need a job workin the pole. ;-)

In other news I have been trying to eat as much as possible lately. For some reason I really can't eat much junk food. I mean I did eat an entire box of swiss cake rolls in three days but it was really hard to do. I almost puked a few times. I don't know how to put my 5 lbs back on. I just want to reach a consistent 120 like I used to be. I dont know why my body wants to stay at 115, but it's annoying.

I'm gonna go try to eat some cheetos.

the sad truth

I found this on post secret. Sadly, I know how they feel.

I'm waiting for a guy who will ask me to hang out before 10pm. It's obvious what they want. They think I don't know... useless.

I must be walkin down the wrong street... still.

too hot

I hate the hot weather.

Partially because it is synonymous with romance. Spring fever & all that jazz. Bleh! Just because it's warm outside doesn't give people the right to take long, romantic evening walks hand in hand.

It's like a slap across my lonely face.
***(David told me last night that we should just stop talking altogether because we have a very unhealthy thing going. Which has been obvious for the longest. Since the beginning actually. Funny he never noticed this until it was his idea. I just said on Saturday night that we should stop talking because there was nothing between us and he said that there was and we both knew it and that's why we still talk. Then he decides last night that I'm right but changes it to look like he thought of it lol. Whatever. As long as I can move on with my life I don't care. Moving on for like the twentieth time mind you. )***

At the same time it feels so good to walk alone at night and get some peace of mind. Except in this city you may also get robbed. But that hasn't happened to me yet and I guess I'll take a walk tomorrow night without my wallet or anything.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this semester. Yes! I am 95% confident that I will end the semester with a 4.0. I know I will get on the Dean's List again at least. Though it probably won't mean shit in my future I am still pleased.

It was sad though because tonight was my last Portuguese class of the semester and the professora started to cry.

I will miss that class I'm not goin to lie.

The ac is broken or something in my apartment building and my room has been hot all day. It feels good in here now tho, probably because I'm in my bra. ;-)

Anywho, the weekend was fun. We had a cookout at Neil's and I went to see 'Chicago', put on by VCU's theatre dept, and it was actually very good; wonderful acting & singing. Bravo! lol.

Ok I am taken the scatterbrainedness to a whole 'nother level right now. I have tunnel vision. I need to finish studying for my exam tmw morning, work on my PR portfolio due by Thursday and get a layout on paper of mywebsite I have to design by the end of my graphics class tmw night. blah.

I just have to keep my eyes on the prize: Graduation Fall '09!!!!

And the AC just started working again! yaaay!

Livin' in a Fantasy World

whooooo

dontcha wanna dance, wit me baby
dontcha wanna dance, wit me boy
dontcha wanna dance, wit me baby
with somebody who loves me...
dontcha wanna dance, say ya wanna dance, dontcha wanna dance.


I love me some Whitney Houston.

I want to pack all my things and go to Brazil so I can find a man who looks like that dude in Cidade de Deus. (city of God). He is bannngin. I can't remember his name but he is the one thug who falls in love with the girl who lives with her mom whose place he hides out in after the hotel robbery. Then sadly,he gets shot. But it's so hard to find the names and bios of Brazilian actors online, especially when they are black. But whatever I want my husband to look like that. lol. Which is probably why I'm never getting married. I already know what I want and I'm not going to be looking for anyone who doesn't fit that description. blah. I need to stop doing that. But I can't help it omg he is so fine I could write a whole blog about how fine he is. His abs are RIPPED. And his skin is caramel brown, lookin so sexy. lol. I need help I can't believe I'm writing about this... and thoroughly enjoying it at that. Oh shit I just found out his name is Jonathan Haagensen and I'm bout to put his pictures up. whoo hooo.