Flashback

This is a blog I wrote exactly a year ago today. I was reading it last night, and alot of it I still agree with. But I'm being lazy today so I'm just re-posting it onto this blog. ..



Another year. Another enemy. It's interesting how we truly are our own worst enemies sometimes. We hold ourselves back by self doubt, self pity, self destruction, self hatred. We forget who we are & why we are. We go by what others think & not by what we know and let it control our most important decisions. We could do anything we want if we could just overcome the obstacle that is ourselves. Nelson Mandela was frighteningly accurate when he said , "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." So why do we ,when we know we are meant to do one thing, avoid doing it at all costs. Because of our fear of failure? I know I'm not the only one with this problem. I've never failed miserably at anything so why should I start with the one thing I want the most? Or possibly I am afraid of succeeding at the one thing I want the most...what's left to hope for after that? What do you do when you've accomplished all you set out to? Every flower that blossoms must one day wilt. The petals fall and the stem is again naked before it too dies. Wouldn't we rather spend most of our lives working up to that one dream so that there is not too much time between accomplishment and death. It is that time in between when things start to fall. Maybe we fabricate self doubt, self pity, and self hatred so we have excuses not to go for our dreams full force. Some are lucky enough to not get blindsighted by other things. They see what they want. They go for it. Easy as that. But I believe they are outnumbered by those who think too much about it. Which one am I? Which are you? Which is easier? Are they both equally as hard but one comes with a greater price and the other a greater prize? This year I will focus on getting what I want. Not even because I want it that badly, but because I need it for reasons I myself will never even understand. And that's how you can truly tell if something is really meant for you.

irrelavance

I am very exhausted. I have class at 6 and my blackberry battery is almost dead. I'm in the basement of the library & everyone down here seems intensely involved in their work. EXCEPT two loud ass girls at the end of my row. There are always at least two people down here who only come to the library to kick it and disturb the peace.

I just made eye contact with a very attractive guy who is three rows away from me. He has a black backward cap on and he's chewing his gum like it's the last piece he'll ever chew. It makes me want some really badly. Maybe I'll see if he wants to make a gum commercial with me. OK...jk. I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I don't want to talk about boys or school like usual. I am in the mood to just sit and stare into space. Just get lost in nothingness. Maybe I will sit here and see how long I can be still. I need to take another yoga class. I'm so tense.

Everything is so blurry right now. I feel like London fog. I don't really know what I'm thinking about except for how annoyed I am that my thumb nail is halfway chipped off and how their is no way to repair it. I'm going to have to file it down to nothing and start all over again. Starting all over again....that doesn't sound bad...

Last night I went out with Hayden to the Village Cafe. I hadn't seen him in so long. I forgot how good of a storyteller he is. I am so bad at telling stories because I always have to go off topic and tell side stories in order to make people understand the main story and then it just goes on and on and on like some kind of irritating run-on sentence. But Hayden is the perfect storyteller. His stories always have a beginning, middle, and end and he tells them chronologically. And unlike me when he has to validate a point by reaching into a past story he says he is "prefacing" the current story with it. So it's easy not to get lost. He's great! It's so cool to have someone to talk to about substantial ideas. Not just small talk. And it's a relief to not have to dumb things down.

Not that my other friends are dumb but...whatever

I really have nothing to say today...

idk

"I've waited a long time for this, feels right now....Allow me to introduce myself.... I want you to come a little closer.... I'd like you to get to know me a little bit better...meet the real me....

Sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come to real
I will never hide what I really feel.

So here it is: no hype, no gloss, no pretense, just me...stripped"

I had to start this with Christina because I'm just dramatic & think I'm cool.


I really don't know why I started this blog besides that I feel lame for still using livejournal...but anyway...


I had the BEST dream last night. I was in Mozambique with my father. He was kind and gentle like I remembered him. His home was beautiful and my mother was there too! She and I went to see him together. It was very vivid like my dreams have been for a long time. That made it more memorable but more painful when I woke up. But the funniest part is that I somehow traveled there with my old ass childhood passport and hadn't gotten a new one so I was like "umm how am I gonna get back?" Which is just a great reminder that I need to get that taken care of.

I need to get alot of things taken care of. I have such an attitude problem. It's like surprising me lately. The older I get the more I have to be angry about. Not a good thing. But I'm about to vent neways because OH MY GAWD!

IF these LOSERS don't stop texting me. I hung out with this guy like a year ago maybe 4 times total and then hadn't talked to him in forever. Then this summer he started texting me and I had NEVER responded. well actually I did respond once to tell him he had the wrong number. Then I thought the problem was solved. But someone kept callin me from a private number at like 5 this morning. I figured it was him just trying to find out if I lied about that not being my number. I didn't answer but of course my voicemail says my effin' name. So then I got a text from his number asking me some dumb shit about if I want him to come snuggle with me this week. I'm like wtf. I really want to regurgitate just thinking about that but I didn't answer and he said somethin else and then I just said to stop texting my number. Then someone called me from a private number again I'm like DO U THINK I DON'T KNOW IT'S YOU? just leave me alone. Dang.

If it was someone I liked they wouldn't be texting me at all. OF COURSE.

The other two guys texting me are pissing me off to but that's kind of my own fault for entertaining their company so much when I knew I wasn't into them like that. Hence why it's what I GET that the one I really wanna hear from is MIA. But that's probably for the best. I'm kinda nuts lol.

I really wonder what guys see in me sometimes. I mean I'm demanding & crazy. I mean I love myself but I wouldn't put up with me. I crack myself up though. I guess that's good.

AHH I'm 22 years old and I am so lost. This cute old lady in Starbucks today asked me if I was a VCU student and when I said yes she said that I looked so young like a high school student. I was like granny I'm 22 but I sure be actin like a high school student sometimes. But whatever. I'm very mature really. I just let stupid things bother me sometimes. I'm gonna just listen to Christina cause she always knows exactly how I feel. Pink does too. I swear...

OMG....HE IS TEXTIN ME AGAIN. AHHHHHHH! it never ends...