How beautiful the day will be, if ever it shall come, that I have partial contentment and satisfaction. I say partial, because I don't seek complete contentment nor complete satisfaction. In that state, I feel I would become stagnant. I am a fan of constant progression but I want to at least be content in the path that I choose. I wonder if I should even attempt to apply this to matters of the heart. My emotions are so ephemeral. Well, emotions are ephemeral in nature but I wish my affections toward people would last long enough for me to have a full blown relationship. I can't keep changing my mind.
All elusiveness aside, I have been dating two guys: Rogers, the Dominican with the cute accent and beautiful caramel brown complexion who is also slightly stalkerish and just borderline crazy, and Matt, the country boy, tall and statuesque, simple, yet irritatingly enigmatic. I am physically attracted to both and drawn to them for different reasons.
Matt is so sweet and his Southern charm is something I am not used to but have grown surprisingly fond of. There is no surprise in the fact that I am attracted to Rogers because I usually am a sucker for the whole seemingly naive foreigner with the sexy accent. When we're together he is very sweet and so sexy. But when we communicate over the phone, which at this point is our primary form of communicating, it's just tedious and exacting. He becomes demanding, uber sensitive and constantly asking why I can't make time for him etc. But on the plus side, at least we're communicating!
Matt and I interact well intimately, but sometimes when we're together there isn't alot of verbal communication. And we never have telephone conversations. Matt is definitely not a conversationalist by any means. He is completely blue collar, which Rogers is right now as well but he plans to go to college. Matt finds college a waste of his time. That's fine but I feel like I need more of an intellectual to relate to when it comes time for me to really engage in a true conversation, which I need to do on the regular. Also, I know it's stupid but I find astrology so accurate! Not horoscopes usually but just the descriptions of the signs. When I first found out Matt was a Scorpio I immediately consulted multiple astrology websites to find out our compatibility. It said that we could have a great sexual connection but should not attempt a relationship. I know I shouldn't let that sway me but it does stay in the back of my mind.
UPDATE: I drafted this blog a few days ago and since then some noteworthy things have definitely taken place....
So Thursday night, Rogers and I went to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself at the Bowtie Cinemas. Of course, he was a gentlemen like he usually is, but I still had feelings of anxiety and guilt right from the start. My eyes kept darting back and forth around the streets, and in cars, trying to make sure none of Matt's friends were around. Matt went to Vegas Thursday so I knew he would at least be no where in sight. Anyway, Rogers wanted to hold hands and do couple like things and I just complied in an effort not to upset or offend him, but I knew inside that I was wasting both of our time at this point. After the movie we went to 3rd St Diner and he made a call to the Dominican Republic. Usually, this would have irritated me but I was relieved that we didn't have to engage in much conversation. Then, on the way home he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't say yes for obvious reasons. I felt, no, I still feel awful. Though I don't trust him, I couldn't help but feel sympathy when he talked about how he feels so lonely here sometimes and wishes he could go home alot. Man, I just led him on and wasted his time. But I thought I liked him! I do like him...sometimes. Well he wouldn't let me go until I gave him an answer. I just said I couldn't say yes because I don't feel like I know him well enough now. He said he feels like I put a wall between he and I and he doesnt like that. He told me if I don't let myself go then I will have to become a monk or something. Sigh...when he reluctantly let me walk into my building I kept turning around to look back and he was just sitting on his car watching me the whole time. It was slightly bizarre but also a bit romantic... I guess.
In Matt news, he called last night to talk for a while which made me happy. Especially since when I was at the movies w/ Rogers and he left to use the restroom, I checked my cell and saw Matt had texted me saying he was poolside in Vegas thinking about me and wishing I was there. I was like perfect timing! Just make me feel worse! But that's what I get anyway. He wants to do movie night this week so this time I have to make him talk to me about everything. I need to figure out ALOT of shit.
Well, the dance world is still spinnin at least. We're preparing for the second & third burlesque shows now since we don't have another performance with Niya until next month. I'm excited about the new concept. We're thinking of wearing trench coats, with lingerie underneath and using umbrellas. We'll dance to Danity Kane "Striptease". That's the plan for now anyway. Sunday should be interesting because we have practice with Flava, who we are not doing this burlesque show with :-x, and then we're goin to work with Melissa after who we've decided we want to do burlesque with this go round. By "we" I mean me and Diana. Sarah is just being blindly led into this silent betrayal with us but she won't say a word. In reality, I care not. Too many reasons to even bother blogging about.
The final bit of news is that I'm trying to sublet my apartment and move a little farther from campus. If my plan works, I'll save alot of money and get out of this sheltered college, city bubble I've been living in for the past 4+ years.
It's time to grow up!
