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In the midst of writing songs today, I scrolled through my journal and stumbled upon this poem I wrote a little while ago. I don't think I liked it much when I first wrote it, but today I'm really feelin' it. So, I'm posting it:

I have such intimate dreams
in which reality deems itself prisoner
to an overbearing fantasy.

I rationalize, as the stars capitalize on my
vulnerability.

dreams which enlighten my soul,
dreams that make me feel whole,
dreams that make me wish I didn't dream,
that way reality wouldn't seem so dismal.

The calamity of a broken home
The truth we seek, but see only in undertones
The void we feel; that of a king who's lost his throne
We're all thrown, so now,
I walk alone...

To my dreams.
I am the portrait which the rest of the room
is centered around,
Dreams may come and go
Yet I remain unchanged,
Everything around me is simply rearranged,
As one dream goes and the next ordains.

Creative Juices Just Flowin'!

Man, does it feel good to be alive!

The past two weeks brought much stress but how fantastic is it now that everything fell into place so perfectly. I finally got in touch with my uncle Leonard in Malawi a few days ago. He called and we chatted for a bit; he is a very educated man I discovered. He works as the Director of Parks & Wildlife in Malawi which is a very small country above Mozambique. He and my father's mother was Malawian. Anyway, he is putting the money from my dad into my account soon so my brokeness can temporarily desist and I can pay my summer school bill. Tudo bom!!

EXCITING NEWS! This guy, PJ, who used to be in Flava, but left to pursue music, is now a member of a hip hop group called Embassy. They were close to getting signed by Sony once, but anyway Lady Gaga is coming here in September and they are opening for her. Sooo PJ asked us to be their backup dancers for the show! Sooo awesome! I'm going to be on stage right before Lady Gaga...dancing!! I'm very excited about it. Gotta hit the gym for real before this one. Their myspace is www.myspace.com/1embassy. Their stuff sounds good, too. Should be delicious!

Another tasty happening in the life of Lo: I have a boo! ;-) Now I know I have many boos but this one is very romantic & exciting. He is very respectful and seems to really like me. The thing that sucks is I met this fine Dominican guy who works at Wal-mart around here and though he has a tricky accent & says some questionable things, he seems to be very sweet also. But I've already made out with boy #1 and I actually really like kissing him, which is rare, because I generally am not big on kissing. Either way, I want to keep the discussion of him to a minimum so I don't force myself into any habitual over thinking.

VERY EXCITING NEWS!! Me & Alex finished recording the first song for my demo! It's called "When You Say" and it's so tight. It really became something even greater than I thought when I first went in and recorded it acappella. He's really helped make it come to life! It's very exciting to have a song I wrote,vocally arranged, and sang. Too too cool. I love it! 3 more to go... it's so fun being creative & just using the talent God gave you!


:-) yay.

;-)

I should sleep.

But...I have insomnia of course. I am just so energized right now. I'm about to choreograph a dance & do it over & over in hopes that I will be so exhausted after, I'll fall right out. I have so much passion festering inside of me, I don't even know where to place it. I've been doing so much writing lately. I finished so many songs that me & Alex are recording and it really feels good. I really am as talented as I believed I was deep down inside, which is refreshing & exciting. I have a true passion for life again; it's delicious!

I got my group a gig at a new burlesque show beginning August 8th. Our relationship with Lyric Ave has been somewhat destroyed because grown folk just don't know how to act: a sad truth, but it matters not. This show we are at least guaranteed to walk away with ca$h money, not much, but money is money. The best part is that the lady is charge of booking acts liked our video so much, she said we don't even have to strip we can just dance and get paid. Our dances are already pretty sexy anyway so we'll wear just enough that we feel comfortable and I know we'll wow the crowd because...well, we are FLAVA. I'm very excited. The more exposure we can get, the better. Also, since this is a monthly show we can expand and really grow creatively because we'll have to come up with fresh concepts more frequently. I am trying to get to a position where I can use my dancing as my livelihood for a while until I can get my music together. I mainly write ballads but Alex has really good music I can definitely dance to so we're going to write upbeat songs together and hopefully it'll be magic. I know it will. I'm just so excited for the future.

I'm still penniless...but my dad has two g's at the bank in Mozambique waiting for me. I just have to get it together. Until then...I'll be vivendo bem com pouco!

let's be real...

I'm really struggling.

emotionally, financially, just generally. I know my financial situation will improve, but my emotions are overwhelming. I feel so sad and I am finally putting together the pieces of my past. The immeasurable amount of suppression I've done over the years of my pain and the breaking of my family is surfacing. It just seems like a dream now. I separate those years from my reality because I forget what it was like to have a father there. I try to hold on to those days when we all lived together in a house and functioned as a family and there were no struggles; well, none that I could see as a child; nothing to break us. Yet, today we're in pieces, and I still can't figure it out. I never cried about this when it was happening. Everything just happened and there were never any questions or answers. I always thought we'd be put back together and the situation was temporary. Now, it's been so long and I realize my heart is broken. And so I struggle more and more everyday. I kept trying to justify so much to myself. All I really need is for something to happen so that I know there is a father for me out there. Talking to him on the phone is not enough. I am seeking tangibility in this relationship. And yet, I also fear that when I get what I want it will never be enough, or I will wish I had left it alone. The man has so many faces. I look in the mirror everyday and see one of them, and I'm sad that he can't see it himself.

This situation sucks.