I feel like I should rip my heart of my chest and twist it in my palms to wring out my nothingness.

dramatic I know.

But I'm so confused. When I think I'm wrong, I'm right and when I think I'm right, I'm wrong. It's so frustrating and it's making me a bitter and resentful person at times. I'm not that person.

I'm the happy person who never lets anything get them down. I can laugh at anything. Which I am still doing but the laugh isn't the same. I'm laughing because I don't know what else to do.

I don't even know what I'm really talking about. I don't know what I want. That frustrates me more than anything else. Why can't I just know what I want for once?

The confusion grows more & more everyday though I push it to the back of my mind. I force it into the deepest darkest crevice I can find and when it claws its way back to the front of my head I fight it off again.

damn damn damn...

**disclaimer**I am speaking about matters of the heart (who I love, who I THINK I love, who I wish I didn't love, who I wish I could love) not life in general. I know what I want out of life...for the most part

psh

I need to start adding pictures to my blogs so that they won't be so...blah

Not that anyone reads it but for my own purposes. I am going to have a new picture every post. Mix things up a bit.


my arms are so effin' long...

ugh class...& class...and more class. Thats what tuesdays are made of.

I just read this really sad Portuguese blog with a news story about a homosexual couple that was killed and a young guy had spit on their bodies and burned down their house. There was no conviction for a hate crime or one of any sort and the court said there was lack of evidence in the murders. Basically they are in a very religious and conservative area and no one wanted to talk about the issue for very long so the court just tossed it. It's very sad how intolerant people STILL are. aye.

YES!

I finally got something great accomplished. Me & Diana had a meeting with the owner of Rendezvous and now we are in charge of the marketing and PR for the business. So I'm officially working in my field. I'm very excited because I feel like I have alot to offer and we both are going to do an amazing job.

yay!

Dance practice yesterday was so rough. I had way too much fun this weekend so by Sunday I was straight done. I can't remember hardly any of yesterday's choreography which sucks since we have a show in two weeks and like two practices between now and then. blah. The pictures Erik took for the website are decent but I don't know why he took head shots when I was doing poses and specifically wanted my full body in them. I'm pretty irritated about how those turned out so I'm not going to respond right away to his inquiry on what I thought. But he did them for free at my request so I guess I can't be complaining much.

I'm so hungry. I'm making pasta and I'm about to eat it sauceless because I really don't want to spend any more money today. I spent almost 20 dollars today on food. And it's all stuff that I went out to eat so I have no groceries still. I hate living without groceries I need to go shopping asap. I need to do alot. I feel like I'm doing so well in all of my classes except for Communications Ethics & Law. I mean we only get three grades: two exams and a group project. My group is not appearing to give a damn so I am a bit terrified at this point. I need to get A's in all my classes because I can not drop below a 3.0. Oh the frustration!

Anyway. I am obsessed with Ivete Sangalo now. We were listening to Flor de Reggae in class last week and afterward I youtubed her other songs and they are all amazing! Estes são minhas favoritas!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ_qZtZ2EMw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2AihPGYTwI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ_qZtZ2EMw

in a nut shell

I managed to skip both of my classes today. My morning class I skipped by accident & then I figured I might as well start my weekend even earlier and not go to my 2o'clock. But that is the first time I've skipped either of those classes the whole semester. First and last.

I'm doing very well in my classes and I didn't even realize because I haven't been checking my grades on blackboard. I'm quite pleased but I don't want to get lazy and mess up so I'm not going to think about it.

The weeks go by way too fast. I mean it's a bit ridiculous. I need to get a job to occupy more of my time during the week. My weekends are always packed now and I just rest between classes during the week. It's just funny to me. But anyway I feel so confident about my major now. I know that I'm going to do exceptionally well as a PR practitioner. That's really a great feeling to have since I'm investing so much into school right now. yay!

And the world of dance is still spinning furiously...FLAVA had a photo shoot Sunday and that went well. I'm waiting to get the pictures back from my photog. He said they turned out great. So I'm gonna go pick them up & then we can get our website together. I suggested we wear scarves in our next performance and so at practice we incorporated them into a dance and its so sick. I can't wait to perform it. I also am supposed to meet up with that producer to learn his songs on Saturday. I really don't feel like my heart is in his music at this point but I'm hoping that will change. I just really want to focus on dancing right now. I wish I still had an apartment that I could be loud in so that I could sing more often tho. I kind of feel trapped in a cage sometimes. It's really very irritating. But my apartment is still amazing no matter what. :-)

So tonight there is this dance party at Nara. I don't know if I'm going or not but I may check it out. I am gonna head over to the Intercultural Festival in the commons in a bit probably. They have free food and really good performances I hear. Tomorrow there is another dance party @ 534 I'm gonna check out then Saturday I'm goin to a burlesque show called Lore. It better be good. The girls on the website look... interesting. At least they are professional dancers tho with training and the shows 17 acts will come together to create an actual story line. The last burlesque performance I saw at the Sex Workers Art show last year was just some heavy set chic who was running around stage doing moves neone could've done and it was hardly entertaining. This one sounds really artistic so that is the only reason I'm going. That and there is a dance party right after the show. :-)

Sunday is the circus! Now I am not a LOVER of the circus because of the obvious ethical questions it poses but I haven't been in years so I am going to go I think. It does cost like 25 bucks tho which I am reluctant about spending but we'll see.

As for me, well, right now I'm really happy.

It's Valentine's Day!

I don't really know why I am happy about it. But no matter what people say about it being a "capitalist holiday" I still get that warm gooey feeling inside when February 14th comes along. I am in the target market for merchants of Vday shiz . The perfect consumer. I already bought Valentine's Day cards and have no one to give them to. I bought the real cards too. Nice ones. Not the little ones you give out in elementary school. But I have one for my niece. So I'm excited to give her that. I'm waiting for my family to pick me up. I'm excited for my mom's birthday party tonight that we're throwing at my sister's place in Charlottesville. Should be nice to just be with family for a while. My body is still sore from that diva bootcamp mess I did yesterday morning. Yesterday seemed so long but I keep forgetting I got up at 4:30am to get to the bootcamp with them. It was a workout that I needed. I need to be physically "tortured" during my workouts in order to relieve my stress. I definitely remember why I used to be such a gym guru before. I was a more pleasant person then because I was pushing myself more and relieving more stress. I need to keep doing it and make a rigorous exercise plan for myself. I'm glad I got my ass up and went.

Last night was so eery. I felt like I wasn't even really alive. It seemed like a dream. And I really don't know why but I feel like my life is at a stand still right now and emotionally... I am fighting to be removed from everything. I keep trying to avoid thinking about that plane crash. I can't fathom that all those lives were taken. I mean I know this is not the first time or last time this amount of people died but for some reason I can't get past it. My mind is blown. I just keep thinking about how many people I know and love who could've been on the plane. What if I was on it? Death is so strange to me. It fascinates me too in some sort of romanticized way that I know must come from reading too many vampire romance novels or something :-/

yikes. I gotta get dressed.

OH me oh my...

This weekend was eventful. N.E.R.D was fun tho I was texting the whole time... The dance party at the camel was pretty sick. So Friday was very fun.

Saturday was a day of networking. Breanne knows everyone my mom knows from AFSCME/AFL-CIO and other union organizations but she was introducing me to alot of reps at the Jefferson Jackson dinner and telling them I can do PR for them. And we got cards signed for the Employee Free Choice Act. She also told me her mom said there is a PR internship at the Valentine Museum downtown for the summer that is PAID so I am applying for that. yay.

Neway after the dinner we went to chili's and then to the 90's hip hop party/nations. Nations is soo fun and her friends are really nice. I need to find a nice guy in his mid to late twenties to date. That would hopefully squash at least 80 percent of the immature bitchassness guys my age are full of. (thanx diddy) It's funny tho. I am talking to this guy who is 20 and he is actually more mature than any other guy I know right now. Maybe because he has a child so he has learned how to not act like one. Who knows?

Oh yeeah... so Friday night I told David I still love him. I mean I thought he already knew because I told him before but I guess now he believes me. I think now he is mature enough to not use it against me. It's just something I needed to confess to myself and to him and be done with it. The situation is actually alot simpler than I used to think. Do I think we will ever be in some kind of healthy romantic relationship...hmm no I'd like to think I'm more of a realist than that. But we can just be there for each other during those times.

I hope I get some work done today. I was in work mode but I have spent the last hour learning choreography from Janet Jackson videos. ugh why do I have ADHD???!

festas

It's the weekennnnd! Yes! I love not having Friday classes! I have so much goin on this weekend and I can't wait for the festivities to begin. lol. Tonight I don't know what I'm goin to do yet. Probably chill with an old friend I've been neglecting. Today I am in such a good mood I think I can tolerate it. Tomorrow is the Homecoming Concert with N.E.R.D. I can't wait to see my boo Pharrell. He is just so fine.

After the concert there is a dance party at The Camel with Long & some other djs. So I'm gonna hit that up.

Saturday is our homecoming basketball game but I won't be able to go because I'm going to the Jefferon-Jackson dinner. Last year's was so cool because both Hillary & Obama spoke. It was a great event I'm glad I got to go to. This year my man Bill Clinton will be there! I really need to meet him this time because last time he came here to speak I couldn't get close enough to shake his hand. My goal is to get a picture with Bill. I'm praying!!!

After the dinner there is a 90's hip hop party me and Breanne are going to. I can not wait! I love 90's hip hop music.

There is soo much other stuff going on this weekend but I'm trying to stick with these plans I already have. And I'm about to finish reading eclipse tonight so I can devote Sunday to reading Breaking Dawn and doing homework.

yayayayayayaya.

I need to quit sleeping late on Monday & Wednesday. I love that I don't have class until 7 but I waste too much time in bed so I don't get much done before class anyway. But I have the most amazingly clear dreams between the hours of 11-1pm. They are so real. It's fascinating.

Today I am going to try to take care of bills. First one being rent, then prescription, then that damn utility bill from my last place. I suck I should've paid that so long ago. blah.

I need a job.

ridiculousness

UGHHHH!

Why are people who work at the Rite Aid pharmacy by my apartment moronic? I mean I shouldn't belittle their intelligence because I would hope they got screened before being allowed to fill people's prescriptions but DAMN. You don't know Retin-A makes a .1 and it takes you 45 minutes to figure it out?! Unacceptable!

I am so mad and I need to chill. Why don't chill pills exist??! They need to start making some. This is the last straw I'm getting anger management. And the school better give it to me for free. I'm about to have a mental breakdown. I don't even want to go to class now. But I skipped last class so I have no choice. I just want to read & sleep.

This weekend has been non-stop drama. The superbowl party was fun minus one incident I won't get into. Last night David came over. That was interesting. No matter what happens I never get too tired of that boy. Probably because we go long periods of time without seeing each other. And I ignore him for a month when he pisses me off. I think we have a good system going. Unhealthy...but effective. I wonder if I really love him. I know I can't trust my feelings ever because that's the pathway to pain. Well usually. Damn I only have an hour until I have to make my way to Portuguese class.

I went to lunch with Derick & Hayden today. We jammed to Britney Spears in Derick's car. The weather was so nice today. So it was cool.

My throat is messed up. I'm exhausted. And my ovaries hurt. yay!

"Dear, dear diary,

I wanna tell my secrets. Because you're the only one that I know will keep them..."


Where to begin... I don't have any secrets to tell but whoa...last night was another dramatic event at Neil's. I need to stop going there because I always flip out...which is my own fault. But more about that later.

Yesterday started out so GOOD! Well, kinda. I got in a fight with Alex about him not being ready to go to the performance at noon. He acts like a brat sometimes. So I went off on a tangent telling him all the things he does that piss me off. But I love him still. He's like family. But I did replace him in the show with Matt Thornton! It was a James River reunion haha. So FLAVA needed guys for our performance yesterday to sit in the rollie chairs and interact with us during the Single Ladies part so we got Bobby and Matt to do it. We had two shows one at 3, the other at 7. They were so much fun I am still on a high from being on stage. I love it! So our next show is March 13th and we have to start getting ready for that. It was so funny because me & Diana went and stocked up on airplane bottles before the show. So neway I was drinking all day which was probably not the best of ideas. But after the show we went to Pour House then I met up with Horrace, who I have not seen in FOREVER, but he wanted to hang out. It was probably just not a good night to be reuniting because when I got to Neil's my arch enemy was there. hahhaa ok I won't call him that but I will just call him ASSHOLE. I'm tired of insecure boys wasting my time. So anyway after asshole leaves I find out he sat there & told everyone that I wanted to be his girlfriend but he didn't want one right now. Now this is the part when I realize how drinking has such a negative affect on my emotional state because I would have just laughed this off and rolled my eyes because I already know how ridiculous asshole is. BUT. no...I reacted in a completely different way. I was INFURIATED. How pathetic can somebody be? I wanted to be your girlfriend?! PLEASE! I don't even need to get into the story of how he was telling me he was in love with me & I was not responding at ALL. I'm not that spiteful and asshole already knows the truth. Bottom line is the conversation occurred when I was intoxicated therefore nothing he said was valid. I'm not a moron. But he is pathetic. And I feel pathetic for even feeling the need to mention it in my blog but it's relevant to the bigger point in the story. Getting back to that...after I found out what he said I flipped out and just started screaming. I was so angry that I was sobbing. I hate when people try to soothe their insecurities at the expense of others. It's so sad. But whatever I threw Alex's 40 off the balcony and almost hit some dude in the head. BLAH!

Anyway when me & Cameron got back to my place I had to tell David the whole story. I always have to tell him stuff to feel better. Even though he never really gives me any advice now that I think about it. But he is the person I am most comfortable with. Utterly ridiculous when you consider our history. ahhhhh

I need to get myself together. I need to stop being bipolar when drinking. There is way too much goin on right now in my life. I have like ten thousand stories I can't even fit all this in my head. I am going to talk to the school psychiatrist. lol. I obviously have some shit bottled up that is making me flip out. I feel neurotic as hell sometimes. But then I also get in that euphoric state where I'm so happy nothing can bring me down. Which is kinda how I feel at this second. It's weird.

Nonetheless...that's that lol.

I need to get to the Mac lab and finish my homework before Jessica's superbowl party! Go Steelers!!!!