idk...Ode to Brokeness, boredness, and worthlessness?

My life would be so much better if I could take my ass to sleep at a reasonable hour. Then I wouldn't sleep away half of every Monday & Wednesday.

I am so broke.

Well I'm not broke yet but I know I only have enough money in my account to cover two more rent payments and two more cell phone bills. And I keep buying stuff. There is this top on the mannequin that's on the sidewalk in front of Rumors and it's only 16 bucks. And it's so so cute. I almost bought it today but then I was like WHOA. I have to stop having a material obsession. It's getting out of hand.

I am going to call to schedule an interview for Campaign Va tomorrow. It's a non profit environmental activist agency that I interviewed for like two years ago. The guy was awesome and this time I'd want another position as just the grassroots field type person. It seems like it would take alot of energy and the hours are 1:30-10:30 but I'd make about 400 a week. And like I said I'm broke.

The good thing is my dance group booked that bachelorette party but the bad thing is the lady can't really afford to pay us alot. So I think only three of us should do it but we'll see. I really need to get a gig as a go-go dancer this summer. Talk about the perfect job.


I really need to get crackin on this school work. I have two group presentations next week, and I have to design a brochure and newsletter. blah. Worthlessness

The Past vs. The Future

Why do I bother trying to control my life?

I get nowhere.

David came over yesterday & everything fell right back into place as we both secretly wanted it to. We are each other's comfort zone. It's as simple as that to explain. I really would need an entire day to sit down and process the situation. It's just back & forth. I feel like we never really move forward, we go in circles. I could really compare myself to a hamster right now in one of those little cages running on one of those elliptical things round and round and never making any real progress.

I wish I knew how to escape.

Anyway I went to baja bean & saw Roberto playing in Afro Beat. He plays the saxophone. And man I almost cried watching him get into the music. He was so good and so passionate. I have a crush on him. But due to unfortunate circumstances I couldn't talk to him and everything was awkward. Well when I first walked in and he saw me we had a connection I could feel it. We just stared at each other for a minute. It was great. lol. Then it was lost due to my situation. blah.

I'm goin to try again. Soon. Hopefully he can save me from being a hamster.

Sex

Hmmm... there are so many things to be said about sex. The single most powerful thing that we as human beings have. It's complicated, but everyone knows what I mean. Sex drives people to do all kinds of shit. Alot of stupid shit. And if you're a woman you can get a lot of shit out of it. "Good" shit like money, clothes, your way (when it comes to persuading a man to do what you want), a job, hell some even get a career and lavish lifestyle out of it... And then there is the bad shit too...like a reputation for being a whore or an std...or even multiple stds.

One other important thing that can come from sex is a child, which depending on your situation can be either good or bad.

Either way sex is such a fascinating part of life. There are so many different facets.

I for one am tired of sex.

I am a fan of making love. When you first have sex it's all about exploration. Well for those of us who are unfortunate enough to not know what relationships are. You just want to know what sex is like. So you do it. And if you like it, you do it again. and again. and again. Casual sex is fine if the people engaging in it are cool with it. no doubt. But what would it be like to actually make love for once? How wonderful would it feel to hold someone in your arms who you absolutely adore and just share a passionate, fiery, love infused night with them? I wouldn't know. I've never done it.

Well I've come close but then I realized it was all part of disillusionment.

Sometimes I find men disgusting and pathetic because of everything they go through to get sex. They actually PAY for it. Some of them do. It's really funny and disturbing when you think about it. But I guess it works for us women though. May we never go hungry....

& it's Thursday again

It's Thursday night and I have nothing to do.

Chris wanted me to come over for dinner tonight but I know he just wants me to spend the night & I'm not down for that. I've never met anyone who was so clingy and semi-obsessive. It's kinda creepy. I keep telling him he is overwhelming then he apologizes profusely but jumps right back into his madness again. blah.

I'm too lazy to do anything tonight anyway. There is a dance party but there is no point in going now because I'm sure no one else will be let in. The line at the camel is always so long. That place is just not big enough. I'm drinking a bud light lime and I don't know why. It's taking me like 2 hrs to drink and I shouldn't have opened it. But I'm thirsty and haven't made a new pitcher of crystal light yet.

I think I'm working this promotion gig at the new movie theatre this weekend. I got booked as an on call brand ambassador since that was the only remaining position so hopefully I get called in. The shit pays 15 dollars an hour & is from 11-8pm sat & sun. I definitely need the money. Thankfully I booked FLAVA a paying gig at a bachelorette party but it won't be until May 9th. Now I have something to look forward to besides Lyric Ave. Yes!

I found a Brazilian boy!! Well its Cameron's friend who I met like a year or so ago briefly but never talked to him much. We ran into him in bodillaz yesterday when we were gettin some grub. Cameron all of a sudden remembered that he's Brazilian and after he left he got me the hook up. Dude said I was cute too apparently so yay! But I'm just trying to have a conversation partner to start. He is very cute tho. And a musician in a local successful band. Annnd a writer for the school paper. mmm hmm. But we shall see. I found a Brazilian pen pal too on the Portuguese blog. So things are exciting as far as that goes.

And to top those things off my hair has been lookin so fly since I did it yesterday!

;-)

but it's still Thursday night and I have nothing to do. lol

I Wish I Were Sleeping

If I could go back to last week I would not have flat ironed my hair before it was completely dry. SUCH a bad idea. Now I think I have split ends again. Split ends are my WORST enemy.

My skin is so dry. I have been forgetting to drink water now that I have been overdosing on coffee and red bull. Very bad thing. Probably why my hair is a mess too.

blah

I just wanna drop out of school and make up dances & be someone awesome.

The dance party Friday night was fun.

Two boys got my number, one white, one black. I think it's funny. I had forgotten about it which is good since neither has called me. Maybe they are just gonna wait to see if I'm at the next one. OH well...I have a crush on someone again...IT'S SO FUN!

ugh insomnia is a b*tch

oh...life

I have spent today no differently than I spend every other Sunday: doing alot of thinking, gathering of thoughts, and having minimal physical contact with other human beings.

This weekend was chaotic. I had alot of fun and alot of what I will just call NOT FUN. MY period was kinda late and I freaked myself out into thinking I was pregnant though I knew it was virtually impossible since I hadn't had sex since Feb 7th, which lasted for about 5 minutes, he didn't cum, and I wasn't even ovulating then. AND I had a period right after that. But I always find a way to convince myself that I'm pregnant. I'm also almost convinced there must be some kind of mental illness associated with this that I must have. Anyway, while I was telling Diana about my misfortunate circumstance my phone called my mom and left two messages in which she heard me going on about what she called, "my sex, my period, and my baby"...MORTIFYING. But I took a test yesterday and it was negative of course. But to add to my humiliation when I went in there an acquaintance was working behind the pharmacy and saw me buying the test and the ladies working there were joking with me sayin they hoped it came out how I wanted etc. I was like they are lucky I have some kind of strange fetish for awkward situations. blah!

Anyway after I wasted 18 bucks on e.p.t my period comes today! figures...

On a much lighter note Friday nights Lyric Ave performance was very fun and afterward we went to NY Deli and danced our asses off while everyone watched. Some guy came up to me and asked, "Do you do this for a living?" and I responded, "No, I don't do anything for a living." To which he replied,"Well u need to getin touch with Justin Timberlake or something." That topped the cake for the night.

I just finished watching He's Just Not That Into You and it was way better than I anticipated. I loved it and thought it was smart & hilarious. And I LEARNED from it. I learned that David is not into me and got him to admit to it. I'm so relieved because now I don't have to feel bad about deciding not to put up with any more of his crap. Now I know there is nothing to try to salvage. But I asked him why he couldn't just tell me that in the first place and he said because then it would have ended. And I asked why the hell he wanted it to keep going anyway. It's not like we really see each other often anymore. So I realized it must be what Cameron told me yesterday: David just likes the attention. Which is what David is always accusing me of so I told him he has just been projecting his feelings on me & really he was desperate for attention. He said probably. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with the kid. He's not my problem anymore though.

Next Saturday is going to be amazing. I ordered all this food online today and I'm going to have all these ribeye steaks, country fried steaks, chicken breasts, sausage, ham, veggies, desserts etc to pick up Sat. morning. I am going to feast like the queen I am for a month!

...and that was the end of spring break.

Things...

Today was a bit mundane. I slept long because I was out at Godfrey's all night getting hit on by lesbians. Which is whatever but the bartender was making my cranberry vodkas sooo damn strong. After a while I just left without saying goodbye to anyone because I was way too drunk. I hate that. It's so funny how when we're in high school people wanna just get wasted then once you are of age and finally start drinking because you actually like the taste of the drinks, you really try to avoid that wasted feeling. bleh.

I miss Philly. My sister took me to eat at PF Chang's Tuesday night and I got two Asian Pear Mojitos. They are soo good. She also introduced me to everyone she worked with yesterday before I caught the train back. They all raved about how I have such a smart, hard working, nice sister. And I was like I sure as hell do. My family is amazing. I'm so proud to belong to it. Anyway her boss printed out a job description that they haven't published to the web yet and told me to apply because they take forever to hire. It was for PR but it said 3 years experience and she knows I'm just about to graduate and won't have that but I'll still try. They start paying 47,000. If I can make that much right our of college then I'll be doing REAL good lol.

anyway back to today....I went in Saxby's, my old job, to get a smoothie with Cameron and the owner's very handsome, business owning, son came in and was happy to see me. We chatted and he told me when I graduate give him a call because his business is looking for PR people if I'm interested. I'm like well I sure will haha. I hope he doesn't forget he told me that.

So after we left there we were walking to the Village and on the way we passed Rumors where I saw the cutest dress on a mannequinn outside. It was only 12 bucks so I had the owner bring it in and I tried it on and bought it. I really should not be buying clothes right now but 12 bucks is a steal! I'm so glad they started doing the second hand stuff there because their clothes were hardly affordable before. I made two awesome second hand purchases from them and they buy clothes too now so I'm going to just keep doing the exchange thing where I will bring in some shit to sell then buy new shit with the money. That should keep me stylish in this horrible economy. In the meantime I really need a job.

anyway after the Village I walked over to Puno's because David was there with crazy Coco and I wanted to see him and play with the dog. Ugh I should've known better. First of all when I got there he was fuckin HIGH and I was so irritated. Then I was asking him why he has been avoiding coming over and he said, "I don't know. That is what I'm trying to figure out." WTF? I was like well "maybe you just don't like me." And he didn't say anything he just started kissing me. I'm so confused so I left then on the way to dance practice I texted him and said "I wish you would just tell me what you're thinking instead of letting me waste my time. You know if you don't feel anything. I'm not gonna be mad just confess." And he has not even replied. I'm so over this bull. I don't know why I keep trying to draw it out. But I just like when he spends the night. It's comfortable because he knows me so well. grrr. I am pissing myself off. Boys are nothing but trouble.

So tomorrow night is our next Lyric Ave performance. We made up the best ending to our opening dance tonight. It's too funny. We get old school in the end and me & Sarah do the running man. Yeah...it's pretty sweet. I'm takin it easy tonight so I can be well rested tomorrow because after the show I'm going out so I can wear this damn dress. I need some stockings tho because it's gonna be cooold. NY Deli!!!! mmkay. fim.

**This is a picture of me in my new dress lol. I know it's kind of a lame pic but I don't care. ;-)**

!

My Preliminary Emancipation Proclamation

"I could come off strong & willful, but I'd rather watch it fall to the palm of my hand". I have been wasting my time, my talent and my youth. I just had this revelation...again. I am capable of so much. I'm really quite extraordinary. I don't say it to sound conceited but everyone has their gifts & I have always known what mine are therefore my only excuse for not being successful right now is my cavalier attitude. I've always felt that everything would fall in my lap. I'm tired of waiting for that. The first thing I need to do is hurry up & graduate so I can get out of Richmond. I want to study at University of Sao Paulo this summer. It would be so great to get to Brazil because I know my husband is waiting there for me as well. ;-) But anyway I need to clear my head this week and figure out my next move. I'm having a great time in Philly at my sisters beautiful apartment. I don't want to go back to Richmond tmw. But I have my performance Friday night so I have that to look forward to. I also came to the realization that I am not really in love with David by any means...or anyone else for that matter. I love myself. That's all I need to be sure of right now & I am happy being alone, like I always have been. I worked out today & danced to a Britney Spears mix on demand. Then I ate some greasy pizza guiltlessly because I know it doesn't matter anyway. At least I still have my lightning speed metabolism on my side. I have to go off topic and talk about this Oprah episode with medical nightmares. Dennis Quaid's twin babies were accidentally injected with 1000 times more of some chemical than they needed & he is talking about it. This hospital has excellent PR people because they are on the episode talking about what led to the mistake and all of the machines they have installed to eliminate human error in these situations. Bravo! But now I am afraid to go get my breats checked next week because the doctors told this one guest that she had breast cancer because her mammogram got switched with someone who did. Even though they could not see a tumor or the cancer cells in her MRIs and cat scans they still gave her a masectomy . THEN they tell her AFTER the she is without one of her breasts that she didn't actually have cancer and her mammogram had been switch. Wtf...I have to get my head around all this. I know there is such a thing as human error but that is ludicrous. geez. Anyway the point of this blog entry is that I'm free! I'm emancipating myself from bullshit in my personal life. I will elaborate more soon.

don't let me get me

My desires are troublesome.

It is a long time characteristic of mine to desire the unattainable. Then once the unattainable no longer fits in that category (of things that cannot be attained by me) I no longer have a need for it. Not a need, but a want for it.

I confuse myself. Sometimes I really am my own worst enemy.

"Tudo que eu tinha pra perder, eu já perdi. "

I have learned a valuable lesson: not to have too much pride. Life is alot easier without it. That is one thing I am happy to say I have taught myself this year. I think, however, I go to the extreme of every behavior and overdo everything. So in my attempt to not be so prideful I gave up TOO much pride.

blah.

I'm being vague...

I have too much fun concocting plans. dumb ones.

I've forgotten my point in writing this blog already. Life after Twilight is just no fun. :-(

maybe I'm just confused

lol...I don't know wtf I was talkin about in my last post. I am way to dramatic for someone who's feelings change every time a subtle wind blows her mind in a new direction.

Every day is a windy day, fyi.

haha oh man...This weekend I decided I wanted to do something dumb so I did a few dumb things. Fun things though which I guess is all relative anyway. I won't get into it.

I'm quite confused when it comes to boys, per usual. There are two of them texting me all the time lately telling me they really like me. I'm like how do they know that when they don't really know me like that? It's the Elizabethan concept of love like how Romeo fell for Juliet simply at a glance. If Romeo hadn't been banished and they had not killed each other so soon after falling in "love" they would surely not have lasted longer than a mere six months.

I am not being a pessimist, however. I believe in love. The true kind & in soul mates. It is everything outside of that that has me perplexed. I just will not dedicate myself and my time to someone that I didn't believe 100 percent to be the one for me. Some tell me that I live in a fairy tale... but I'd rather live alone than without my Prince Charming so I don't see myself settling for someone else.

love smove. lol