just because

There are alot of things I could write about right now and it would appease me to let my mind be free of them... but I don't even know where the hell to start.

I have my theories about so many things and I haven't voiced much of them. There are so many double standards in this world that make it hard to be what I am. Black women in America have so many pychological umbilical chords that bind us so tightly. It's hard to feel free when everyone is unsatisfied with you because you are not satisfied with being labeled, and thrown into a box. And that's a hard lump to swallow.

I have purposely done things in this life that I knew would be displeasing to others because I wanted them to know that I never cared what the norm was;I will continue to be the anamoly which I was born.

I need a man who gets it. Who just really gets it. And the more experiences I have, the more I realize that I do not have much respect for American men. I need a man who knows how to balance his passions and his responsibilities, and obligations. Someone with strong values when it comes to God, marriage, and family. Someone who will make me better. I feel like there is no balance here. It's either all work no play or vice versa. I dunno maybe I jump to conclusions too abruptly. I hope that's it. But I don't like that men have preconceived notions about me and when I'm not what they thought they were getting, they don't know what to do. Or if I am what they thought, they are so concerned with deceiving me into believing they are what I want as well. Things just never quite fit.

Everyone wants what they don't have or wants to be with they will never become.

I just want to exist as I am and not have to fight everyday. I know I'm bring cryptic and unorganized in my thoughts right now. I'm truly exhausted so I'm goin to leave it alone for now.

hmmm

Everybody wants to give their two cents about everybody else's lives.

What they fail to realize is other people don't value their opinion as much as they'd like to believe.


sorry

the confusion lives

I wish being a female didn't entail having so many powerful and uncontrollable emotions.

I just want shit to be simple like it is for guys.

half the time I think I want something and when I turn around, I realize I wanted something completely different.

I think it's just the idea of having anything that gets me all misty eyed and confused.

I always forget that everything=nothing.

;-)

rainy day blurb

I'm reading the BEST book. for real...

Midnight, by Sista Souljah is the prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever (another amazing book!) and my sister lent it to me to read this weekend. I am so hooked on it and just started two nights ago. I cannot put it down and when I'm not reading it I'm thinkin about reading it lol. It's love.

I identify with the main character alot because he is Sudanese and views Black America in a very comparable to how my eyes see it. Though I wasn't African born, I have an African father and through observing him, I saw what true dignity was. It's sad that it doesn't translate well throughout the majority of Black American culture, as it is today.

African born. My father was not a king, but he was a phenomenon. The things he taught and showed me were more valuable than the three sparkling diamonds he placed in the palm of my hand.

I love this because I feel the same way about my father. Except he never placed diamonds in my hand, just gold. Pure, shiny, straight to the core gold. REAL African gold. Midnight goes on to speak about how his father was an advisor to the prime minister, as my father was an advisor to the president of Mozambique and just the descriptions of an African man gave me warm, remininescent feelings.

Bottom line is...I just love this book.








IN other news...I am gettin drug tested for the pharmacy tech position then I should be starting later this week or early next week. Until then I'll be working nights at the phone bank for State Rep Ron Buxton. I'm emailing my resume out to Denver places NOW because I need to be doing a real job. I found the perfect job out there as a marketing & communications specialist. I hope they give me a chance because I want to utilize the skills I have before I'm an old fogey. But I am going to be applying for some grad schools soon.

I want to write a book! I've started so many and just never stuck with them. But when you read something that really rocks you right down to your core, you wanna do that for other people. We'll see...

Lord, help me

I haven't blogged in such a long time because there has been too much to say. Most of it I will let float off into the abyss because I'm not in a very reflective mood. I'm mentally fatigued. Issues I'd suppressed for so long came up in my idle time. This is why I need to dive into something. I need to get a life, for real. After graduating I took five months to just relax and do nothing. Now I have a bolt of energy and am trying to get back the motivation I lost. It's so strange that just five months ago I was producing, running, and performing in a show and getting my degree the next day. Then I left Richmond and have been doing alot of nothing besides endlessly researching ways for self-improvement and working out to transform my body into what I wanted it to be. Now I've accomplished those things and I need to start living my life again. I feel like I haven't been actively participating in my own life. How does one get to this strange place? My mood changes so often. I go from hot to cold, I cry and feel like the world will end, then I experience manic moods where I feel like I can do anything. I thank God for the mania because that's when I get things done.

I am happy that I am taking this time to be celibate. I feel like I used sex in therapeutic ways that were essentially counterproductive. Sex does not equal love, but I guess I wasn't capable of comprehending alot of things that would have made that clearer to me. I learned my lesson. I bound myself to guys through sexual intimacy and though I was perfectly okay with knowing I didn't love them, discovering they didn't really love me either was unbearable. How hypocritical, I guess. And I HATE hypocrisy.

I learned valuable lessons through those mistakes...