the sad truth

I found this on post secret. Sadly, I know how they feel.

I'm waiting for a guy who will ask me to hang out before 10pm. It's obvious what they want. They think I don't know... useless.

I must be walkin down the wrong street... still.

too hot

I hate the hot weather.

Partially because it is synonymous with romance. Spring fever & all that jazz. Bleh! Just because it's warm outside doesn't give people the right to take long, romantic evening walks hand in hand.

It's like a slap across my lonely face.
***(David told me last night that we should just stop talking altogether because we have a very unhealthy thing going. Which has been obvious for the longest. Since the beginning actually. Funny he never noticed this until it was his idea. I just said on Saturday night that we should stop talking because there was nothing between us and he said that there was and we both knew it and that's why we still talk. Then he decides last night that I'm right but changes it to look like he thought of it lol. Whatever. As long as I can move on with my life I don't care. Moving on for like the twentieth time mind you. )***

At the same time it feels so good to walk alone at night and get some peace of mind. Except in this city you may also get robbed. But that hasn't happened to me yet and I guess I'll take a walk tomorrow night without my wallet or anything.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this semester. Yes! I am 95% confident that I will end the semester with a 4.0. I know I will get on the Dean's List again at least. Though it probably won't mean shit in my future I am still pleased.

It was sad though because tonight was my last Portuguese class of the semester and the professora started to cry.

I will miss that class I'm not goin to lie.

The ac is broken or something in my apartment building and my room has been hot all day. It feels good in here now tho, probably because I'm in my bra. ;-)

Anywho, the weekend was fun. We had a cookout at Neil's and I went to see 'Chicago', put on by VCU's theatre dept, and it was actually very good; wonderful acting & singing. Bravo! lol.

Ok I am taken the scatterbrainedness to a whole 'nother level right now. I have tunnel vision. I need to finish studying for my exam tmw morning, work on my PR portfolio due by Thursday and get a layout on paper of mywebsite I have to design by the end of my graphics class tmw night. blah.

I just have to keep my eyes on the prize: Graduation Fall '09!!!!

And the AC just started working again! yaaay!

Livin' in a Fantasy World

whooooo

dontcha wanna dance, wit me baby
dontcha wanna dance, wit me boy
dontcha wanna dance, wit me baby
with somebody who loves me...
dontcha wanna dance, say ya wanna dance, dontcha wanna dance.


I love me some Whitney Houston.

I want to pack all my things and go to Brazil so I can find a man who looks like that dude in Cidade de Deus. (city of God). He is bannngin. I can't remember his name but he is the one thug who falls in love with the girl who lives with her mom whose place he hides out in after the hotel robbery. Then sadly,he gets shot. But it's so hard to find the names and bios of Brazilian actors online, especially when they are black. But whatever I want my husband to look like that. lol. Which is probably why I'm never getting married. I already know what I want and I'm not going to be looking for anyone who doesn't fit that description. blah. I need to stop doing that. But I can't help it omg he is so fine I could write a whole blog about how fine he is. His abs are RIPPED. And his skin is caramel brown, lookin so sexy. lol. I need help I can't believe I'm writing about this... and thoroughly enjoying it at that. Oh shit I just found out his name is Jonathan Haagensen and I'm bout to put his pictures up. whoo hooo.

i love david.

david is my hero, he came and fixed everything that i asked.

Felicidade não tem preço...

♥ Ando devagar porque já tive pressa... E levo esse sorriso porque já chorei demais... Hoje me sinto mais forte, mais feliz quem sabe... Só levo a certeza de que muito pouco eu sei...Ou nada sei... Viver um dia de cada vez... SIM EU VOU VENCER!!! ♥

Beautiful words from the heart of a Brazilian.

In english this basically means: "I walk slowly because I have already rushed. I have this smile because I have already cried too much. Today I feel stronger, happier, who knows? I only take for certain little that I know, or nothing I know. I live one day at a time. Yes, I am going to win!!!"

Happiness has no price.

Transitions

I'm home. I love home. It feels like a secret escape from the world. All the things I crave are here in this modest abode: simplicity, stability, unity. I really need to subtract alot of frills from my life. I need to stop comforting myself with the material & relearn how to revel in just company of other people and enjoyment of all things free. The same life I enjoyed as a child, the happiness for no reason, the low expectations (in a manner of speaking) and needing less: I want that back. Few times in my life I have felt fragile. Maybe there is a certain beauty in weakness I could learn to appreciate.

Saturday Afternoon Freestyle: Completely Extemporaneous

Still searching for things I may never find, Thoughts of depression fill my mind, so unkind, where's that intervention they call "divine"? I pray for release, He says "get in line", I'm so blind. I try to leave my self destructive ways behind, when it comes to life lines, I've used all nine, and I'm flying, pretending my insides aren't dying but I'm lying, obviously because I'm crying... & crying... (I'm bored)

Tick, Tock

I'm way too guarded. I should let myself live a little, instead of pretending to live.

I don't think it's really possible for anyone to truly live without love. If you find something you love to do and that's enough, you're very lucky. I have things I love: dancing & singing of course. But lately that's not enough. I'm getting too old to live my life alone. It's frightening.

I spent my whole 22 years on earth convincing myself that I would never need a man. I don't even know where I got that idea from but it started as what I thought was just a feminist phase in middle school. I kept saying that one day I would stop saying these crazy things before I actually started to believe them. But I never stopped. I've fucked myself up in the head and now I'm sacrificing my happiness by not fixing this problem. I always pick the wrong guy and am secretly relieved when things don't work out. I get crazy crushes on guys but then when they return my feelings I panic because I know nothing about relationships nor team work when it comes to romance. I feel like I need a manual and that is sad, pathetic, and ridic. No one should have to be taught how to love.

I sometimes wonder if it's just my own insecurities that keep me alone. At times I feel it's just that I'm too dominant, too demanding, too self-centered, too independent-minded.

Too crazy.

I'm lots of fun tho. I guess I'm just that girl.

But honestly...I don't wanna be that bitch anymore.

POW!

I'm so crazy, I dunno why I'm up at 4:30 dancin' in my rooom


....except that this is what I do everynight


...& p.s. I did like 500 bicycle crunches yesterday & I'm sorry but my abs are bangin.


;-)

:-)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I am done with group presentations for the semester. Thank God! I did my Portuguese one last night and this morning finally knocked that Communications Ethics & Law one out.

I am ecstatic. This week has been so fuckin wack because of those damn presentations. I got NO sleep. Well probably about 5 hrs total. Insomnia like a bitch for real. Anyway tho it's all over now so I'm happy. :-)

I stopped drinking for a while and I feel better. I decided I'm going to limit myself to a few glasses of red wine a week since that is good for you anyway. I need to get my priorities straight. I'm getting over going out. I feel like I want to just get a job this summer to take up most of my time and be in bed by like 11 every night. For real. Maybe just kick it with a boy all summer.

Speaking of...after slaughterama on Saturday, which was crazy btw, me & Breanne went to Banditos and a friend of hers was there. He's a handsome guy, 28 I believe and a lawyer. He got my number and has been calling me and texting me. I don't answer the phone when he calls I just text him back...sometimes. Idk. It's weird.

David is supposed to be cooking me dinner tonight but he is M.I.A as I expected. I don't know why I still bother listening to anything he says...besides that I'm a sucker lol. But whatever we'll see what happens.

First Friday last weekend was fun. Me & Breanne got to make these cool painting things on some random machine. Scored a free beer too. The coolest thing was when I was walkin out of Henry to go to Rite Aid the caricature guy who was posted up out front of the store started calling out to me. At first I ignored him because I wasn't sure he was talkin to me then he got up and started joggin after me and I turned around and he was like,
"Wow it is you!" and gave me a hug. I was like
"Sorry you have me confused with somebody." And he interrupted & said
"No wait I minute, just listen. I go to all the Lyric Ave performances and I see you dance. You be doin your thang....I'd recognize that face anywhere" :-)
I was like oooh sweet. He said he'd never miss another performance.
Yeah that boasted my self-esteem, for real.
BUT
who knows what he's gonna be seeing at the next show because we only have time for three practices before it. yeah....yikes. Again, we'll see what happens.

The best news of the day is this: I am graduating in December!! Fo' Sho! My college career will soon come to an end. Praise God.

And that is the greatest thing ever.