I'm really struggling.
emotionally, financially, just generally. I know my financial situation will improve, but my emotions are overwhelming. I feel so sad and I am finally putting together the pieces of my past. The immeasurable amount of suppression I've done over the years of my pain and the breaking of my family is surfacing. It just seems like a dream now. I separate those years from my reality because I forget what it was like to have a father there. I try to hold on to those days when we all lived together in a house and functioned as a family and there were no struggles; well, none that I could see as a child; nothing to break us. Yet, today we're in pieces, and I still can't figure it out. I never cried about this when it was happening. Everything just happened and there were never any questions or answers. I always thought we'd be put back together and the situation was temporary. Now, it's been so long and I realize my heart is broken. And so I struggle more and more everyday. I kept trying to justify so much to myself. All I really need is for something to happen so that I know there is a father for me out there. Talking to him on the phone is not enough. I am seeking tangibility in this relationship. And yet, I also fear that when I get what I want it will never be enough, or I will wish I had left it alone. The man has so many faces. I look in the mirror everyday and see one of them, and I'm sad that he can't see it himself.
This situation sucks.
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