Tick, Tock

I'm way too guarded. I should let myself live a little, instead of pretending to live.

I don't think it's really possible for anyone to truly live without love. If you find something you love to do and that's enough, you're very lucky. I have things I love: dancing & singing of course. But lately that's not enough. I'm getting too old to live my life alone. It's frightening.

I spent my whole 22 years on earth convincing myself that I would never need a man. I don't even know where I got that idea from but it started as what I thought was just a feminist phase in middle school. I kept saying that one day I would stop saying these crazy things before I actually started to believe them. But I never stopped. I've fucked myself up in the head and now I'm sacrificing my happiness by not fixing this problem. I always pick the wrong guy and am secretly relieved when things don't work out. I get crazy crushes on guys but then when they return my feelings I panic because I know nothing about relationships nor team work when it comes to romance. I feel like I need a manual and that is sad, pathetic, and ridic. No one should have to be taught how to love.

I sometimes wonder if it's just my own insecurities that keep me alone. At times I feel it's just that I'm too dominant, too demanding, too self-centered, too independent-minded.

Too crazy.

I'm lots of fun tho. I guess I'm just that girl.

But honestly...I don't wanna be that bitch anymore.