I haven't blogged in such a long time because there has been too much to say. Most of it I will let float off into the abyss because I'm not in a very reflective mood. I'm mentally fatigued. Issues I'd suppressed for so long came up in my idle time. This is why I need to dive into something. I need to get a life, for real. After graduating I took five months to just relax and do nothing. Now I have a bolt of energy and am trying to get back the motivation I lost. It's so strange that just five months ago I was producing, running, and performing in a show and getting my degree the next day. Then I left Richmond and have been doing alot of nothing besides endlessly researching ways for self-improvement and working out to transform my body into what I wanted it to be. Now I've accomplished those things and I need to start living my life again. I feel like I haven't been actively participating in my own life. How does one get to this strange place? My mood changes so often. I go from hot to cold, I cry and feel like the world will end, then I experience manic moods where I feel like I can do anything. I thank God for the mania because that's when I get things done.
I am happy that I am taking this time to be celibate. I feel like I used sex in therapeutic ways that were essentially counterproductive. Sex does not equal love, but I guess I wasn't capable of comprehending alot of things that would have made that clearer to me. I learned my lesson. I bound myself to guys through sexual intimacy and though I was perfectly okay with knowing I didn't love them, discovering they didn't really love me either was unbearable. How hypocritical, I guess. And I HATE hypocrisy.
I learned valuable lessons through those mistakes...
No comments:
Post a Comment