Gimme some Love

Well, I graduated this month with a Bachelors of Science in Mass Communications. I performed in Muse, a cabaret show that I also co-founded and co-produced with my three girls from Lipstick. And I began assistant teaching Melissa O's new hip hop class. I feel like I have a future to be excited about as I now have time to travel and decide what I really want to do.

Why, then, do I feel so empty inside?

I feel like I really need to find a man to share all of these accomplishments with. I feel alone and there is such a strange emotion that comes with that. I've never known this feeling. It is slightly refreshing to come to a point where I feel like I can be co-dependent and take a shot at an actual relationship. It's just that the person I was excited about venturing into this with is so far out of my reach and I don't know if he'll ever come around.

It's so weird how sometimes I feel like I'd be satisfied with just anyone. Then I find myself in the company of a guy and it's almost as if he's not even really there. I'd rather be alone than be with just anyone. And guys are such slimebags sometimes. The ones you think are your friends show their true intentions and it's just a mess. For instance, the other night I went out to a Latin club with a guy I consider a friend. He had a girlfriend last I checked but revealed to me that night that they'd broken up. Not that his presence in that relationship had ever stopped him from flirting with me before which should've been my first sign. Anyway after the club he came up to watch Precious and started brushing my hair and trying hard to stay the night but I got him to leave by tellin him I had to get up early for breakfast, which was the truth. Anyway he left but the next afternoon he sent me a text sayin "I forgot to tell you, if you wanted breakfast I have sausage at my place, hehehe." Wtf? He said that he knew if he offered I wouldn't refuse. I was like wtf are you talking about. Shit like that really gets on my nerves.

On the other hand, this guy I met a year or so ago who has a son keeps telling me how much he cares for me and how he'd do anything to be with me. He said that I'm what he wants for Christmas. I find that so sweet and I do feel he's sincere but I also feel he's too naive and tender for me. I know I'm capable of being very complicated and difficult and I wouldn't want to put someone like him through that. I don't think he's strong enough.

But the bottom line is....I need a man pronto. I mean even if it's just long enough to get some extra Christmas gifts. :-/

Blitz Time

So much is going on!!

Life is so hectic and I feel like the climax of this year is coming right at its end. I'm graduating in a few WEEKS! And my girls and I are putting on our first cabaret show in less than a month. "Muse" is going to be amazing, I already know that, but damn I'm so glad there are four of us to put this together. We have everything in place but now we just have to promote like crazy. I can't even think because I have too much to do and procrastination is following me everywhere on this journey.

But it's exciting! http://lipstickvixens.weebly.com/index.html...check the website!

IN other news...I'm still single & lonely. Being independent seems to get harder everyday, which makes me wonder if it's just a phase or if I'm really getting that old and pathetic...scary.

Love: The competition of fools who always lose...

It wasn't love...

nor anything to resemble it at all...so what am I still clinging to? The possibility.

in any situation where the possibility of love is present, we find it difficult to leave. All I needed was more time and I would've opened up....just a little more time...

Now I'm back to my independent, self-sufficient self. Freedom's taste is always bittersweet. I escaped the grasp of the unknown, but now I go back to the same ole.

As I weigh them repeatedly: "unknown", "same ole"... I think I'd like something different for a change.

But damn...it's too late...or is it?

Quem sabe!

Secrets: some mine, some his, some our's....

How beautiful the day will be, if ever it shall come, that I have partial contentment and satisfaction. I say partial, because I don't seek complete contentment nor complete satisfaction. In that state, I feel I would become stagnant. I am a fan of constant progression but I want to at least be content in the path that I choose. I wonder if I should even attempt to apply this to matters of the heart. My emotions are so ephemeral. Well, emotions are ephemeral in nature but I wish my affections toward people would last long enough for me to have a full blown relationship. I can't keep changing my mind.

All elusiveness aside, I have been dating two guys: Rogers, the Dominican with the cute accent and beautiful caramel brown complexion who is also slightly stalkerish and just borderline crazy, and Matt, the country boy, tall and statuesque, simple, yet irritatingly enigmatic. I am physically attracted to both and drawn to them for different reasons.

Matt is so sweet and his Southern charm is something I am not used to but have grown surprisingly fond of. There is no surprise in the fact that I am attracted to Rogers because I usually am a sucker for the whole seemingly naive foreigner with the sexy accent. When we're together he is very sweet and so sexy. But when we communicate over the phone, which at this point is our primary form of communicating, it's just tedious and exacting. He becomes demanding, uber sensitive and constantly asking why I can't make time for him etc. But on the plus side, at least we're communicating!

Matt and I interact well intimately, but sometimes when we're together there isn't alot of verbal communication. And we never have telephone conversations. Matt is definitely not a conversationalist by any means. He is completely blue collar, which Rogers is right now as well but he plans to go to college. Matt finds college a waste of his time. That's fine but I feel like I need more of an intellectual to relate to when it comes time for me to really engage in a true conversation, which I need to do on the regular. Also, I know it's stupid but I find astrology so accurate! Not horoscopes usually but just the descriptions of the signs. When I first found out Matt was a Scorpio I immediately consulted multiple astrology websites to find out our compatibility. It said that we could have a great sexual connection but should not attempt a relationship. I know I shouldn't let that sway me but it does stay in the back of my mind.

UPDATE: I drafted this blog a few days ago and since then some noteworthy things have definitely taken place....

So Thursday night, Rogers and I went to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself at the Bowtie Cinemas. Of course, he was a gentlemen like he usually is, but I still had feelings of anxiety and guilt right from the start. My eyes kept darting back and forth around the streets, and in cars, trying to make sure none of Matt's friends were around. Matt went to Vegas Thursday so I knew he would at least be no where in sight. Anyway, Rogers wanted to hold hands and do couple like things and I just complied in an effort not to upset or offend him, but I knew inside that I was wasting both of our time at this point. After the movie we went to 3rd St Diner and he made a call to the Dominican Republic. Usually, this would have irritated me but I was relieved that we didn't have to engage in much conversation. Then, on the way home he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't say yes for obvious reasons. I felt, no, I still feel awful. Though I don't trust him, I couldn't help but feel sympathy when he talked about how he feels so lonely here sometimes and wishes he could go home alot. Man, I just led him on and wasted his time. But I thought I liked him! I do like him...sometimes. Well he wouldn't let me go until I gave him an answer. I just said I couldn't say yes because I don't feel like I know him well enough now. He said he feels like I put a wall between he and I and he doesnt like that. He told me if I don't let myself go then I will have to become a monk or something. Sigh...when he reluctantly let me walk into my building I kept turning around to look back and he was just sitting on his car watching me the whole time. It was slightly bizarre but also a bit romantic... I guess.

In Matt news, he called last night to talk for a while which made me happy. Especially since when I was at the movies w/ Rogers and he left to use the restroom, I checked my cell and saw Matt had texted me saying he was poolside in Vegas thinking about me and wishing I was there. I was like perfect timing! Just make me feel worse! But that's what I get anyway. He wants to do movie night this week so this time I have to make him talk to me about everything. I need to figure out ALOT of shit.


Well, the dance world is still spinnin at least. We're preparing for the second & third burlesque shows now since we don't have another performance with Niya until next month. I'm excited about the new concept. We're thinking of wearing trench coats, with lingerie underneath and using umbrellas. We'll dance to Danity Kane "Striptease". That's the plan for now anyway. Sunday should be interesting because we have practice with Flava, who we are not doing this burlesque show with :-x, and then we're goin to work with Melissa after who we've decided we want to do burlesque with this go round. By "we" I mean me and Diana. Sarah is just being blindly led into this silent betrayal with us but she won't say a word. In reality, I care not. Too many reasons to even bother blogging about.

The final bit of news is that I'm trying to sublet my apartment and move a little farther from campus. If my plan works, I'll save alot of money and get out of this sheltered college, city bubble I've been living in for the past 4+ years.

It's time to grow up!

Sweet

:-) :-) :-)

Smiles all around! God is good! I'm so elated right now! Life is great, haha. I finished my summer school class today. My dad paid for it for me so I don't have to worry about my account going to collections, and I get to stay in my apartment for another year. I LOVE my apartment & I HATE moving so that is just fabulous.

And last but not least, I really have something special goin on with a very attractive, hard working, incredibly sweet man. He's so cute. I just think about him and smile. :-) I honestly can not remember the last time I was feelin someone this hard. He's 25 & tall and he's a country boy which normally isn't my flavor but he really satisfies me & every way so far. I'm very intrigued....
We give each other massages, watch movies, just lay in bed all afternoon, text during the day. The usual things I laugh at other people for doing. He makes me so comfortable around him it's just like nothing else really matters. Oh God, listen to me...I got it bad....and that makes me deliciously nervous.

untitled

In the midst of writing songs today, I scrolled through my journal and stumbled upon this poem I wrote a little while ago. I don't think I liked it much when I first wrote it, but today I'm really feelin' it. So, I'm posting it:

I have such intimate dreams
in which reality deems itself prisoner
to an overbearing fantasy.

I rationalize, as the stars capitalize on my
vulnerability.

dreams which enlighten my soul,
dreams that make me feel whole,
dreams that make me wish I didn't dream,
that way reality wouldn't seem so dismal.

The calamity of a broken home
The truth we seek, but see only in undertones
The void we feel; that of a king who's lost his throne
We're all thrown, so now,
I walk alone...

To my dreams.
I am the portrait which the rest of the room
is centered around,
Dreams may come and go
Yet I remain unchanged,
Everything around me is simply rearranged,
As one dream goes and the next ordains.

Creative Juices Just Flowin'!

Man, does it feel good to be alive!

The past two weeks brought much stress but how fantastic is it now that everything fell into place so perfectly. I finally got in touch with my uncle Leonard in Malawi a few days ago. He called and we chatted for a bit; he is a very educated man I discovered. He works as the Director of Parks & Wildlife in Malawi which is a very small country above Mozambique. He and my father's mother was Malawian. Anyway, he is putting the money from my dad into my account soon so my brokeness can temporarily desist and I can pay my summer school bill. Tudo bom!!

EXCITING NEWS! This guy, PJ, who used to be in Flava, but left to pursue music, is now a member of a hip hop group called Embassy. They were close to getting signed by Sony once, but anyway Lady Gaga is coming here in September and they are opening for her. Sooo PJ asked us to be their backup dancers for the show! Sooo awesome! I'm going to be on stage right before Lady Gaga...dancing!! I'm very excited about it. Gotta hit the gym for real before this one. Their myspace is www.myspace.com/1embassy. Their stuff sounds good, too. Should be delicious!

Another tasty happening in the life of Lo: I have a boo! ;-) Now I know I have many boos but this one is very romantic & exciting. He is very respectful and seems to really like me. The thing that sucks is I met this fine Dominican guy who works at Wal-mart around here and though he has a tricky accent & says some questionable things, he seems to be very sweet also. But I've already made out with boy #1 and I actually really like kissing him, which is rare, because I generally am not big on kissing. Either way, I want to keep the discussion of him to a minimum so I don't force myself into any habitual over thinking.

VERY EXCITING NEWS!! Me & Alex finished recording the first song for my demo! It's called "When You Say" and it's so tight. It really became something even greater than I thought when I first went in and recorded it acappella. He's really helped make it come to life! It's very exciting to have a song I wrote,vocally arranged, and sang. Too too cool. I love it! 3 more to go... it's so fun being creative & just using the talent God gave you!


:-) yay.