Secrets: some mine, some his, some our's....

How beautiful the day will be, if ever it shall come, that I have partial contentment and satisfaction. I say partial, because I don't seek complete contentment nor complete satisfaction. In that state, I feel I would become stagnant. I am a fan of constant progression but I want to at least be content in the path that I choose. I wonder if I should even attempt to apply this to matters of the heart. My emotions are so ephemeral. Well, emotions are ephemeral in nature but I wish my affections toward people would last long enough for me to have a full blown relationship. I can't keep changing my mind.

All elusiveness aside, I have been dating two guys: Rogers, the Dominican with the cute accent and beautiful caramel brown complexion who is also slightly stalkerish and just borderline crazy, and Matt, the country boy, tall and statuesque, simple, yet irritatingly enigmatic. I am physically attracted to both and drawn to them for different reasons.

Matt is so sweet and his Southern charm is something I am not used to but have grown surprisingly fond of. There is no surprise in the fact that I am attracted to Rogers because I usually am a sucker for the whole seemingly naive foreigner with the sexy accent. When we're together he is very sweet and so sexy. But when we communicate over the phone, which at this point is our primary form of communicating, it's just tedious and exacting. He becomes demanding, uber sensitive and constantly asking why I can't make time for him etc. But on the plus side, at least we're communicating!

Matt and I interact well intimately, but sometimes when we're together there isn't alot of verbal communication. And we never have telephone conversations. Matt is definitely not a conversationalist by any means. He is completely blue collar, which Rogers is right now as well but he plans to go to college. Matt finds college a waste of his time. That's fine but I feel like I need more of an intellectual to relate to when it comes time for me to really engage in a true conversation, which I need to do on the regular. Also, I know it's stupid but I find astrology so accurate! Not horoscopes usually but just the descriptions of the signs. When I first found out Matt was a Scorpio I immediately consulted multiple astrology websites to find out our compatibility. It said that we could have a great sexual connection but should not attempt a relationship. I know I shouldn't let that sway me but it does stay in the back of my mind.

UPDATE: I drafted this blog a few days ago and since then some noteworthy things have definitely taken place....

So Thursday night, Rogers and I went to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself at the Bowtie Cinemas. Of course, he was a gentlemen like he usually is, but I still had feelings of anxiety and guilt right from the start. My eyes kept darting back and forth around the streets, and in cars, trying to make sure none of Matt's friends were around. Matt went to Vegas Thursday so I knew he would at least be no where in sight. Anyway, Rogers wanted to hold hands and do couple like things and I just complied in an effort not to upset or offend him, but I knew inside that I was wasting both of our time at this point. After the movie we went to 3rd St Diner and he made a call to the Dominican Republic. Usually, this would have irritated me but I was relieved that we didn't have to engage in much conversation. Then, on the way home he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't say yes for obvious reasons. I felt, no, I still feel awful. Though I don't trust him, I couldn't help but feel sympathy when he talked about how he feels so lonely here sometimes and wishes he could go home alot. Man, I just led him on and wasted his time. But I thought I liked him! I do like him...sometimes. Well he wouldn't let me go until I gave him an answer. I just said I couldn't say yes because I don't feel like I know him well enough now. He said he feels like I put a wall between he and I and he doesnt like that. He told me if I don't let myself go then I will have to become a monk or something. Sigh...when he reluctantly let me walk into my building I kept turning around to look back and he was just sitting on his car watching me the whole time. It was slightly bizarre but also a bit romantic... I guess.

In Matt news, he called last night to talk for a while which made me happy. Especially since when I was at the movies w/ Rogers and he left to use the restroom, I checked my cell and saw Matt had texted me saying he was poolside in Vegas thinking about me and wishing I was there. I was like perfect timing! Just make me feel worse! But that's what I get anyway. He wants to do movie night this week so this time I have to make him talk to me about everything. I need to figure out ALOT of shit.


Well, the dance world is still spinnin at least. We're preparing for the second & third burlesque shows now since we don't have another performance with Niya until next month. I'm excited about the new concept. We're thinking of wearing trench coats, with lingerie underneath and using umbrellas. We'll dance to Danity Kane "Striptease". That's the plan for now anyway. Sunday should be interesting because we have practice with Flava, who we are not doing this burlesque show with :-x, and then we're goin to work with Melissa after who we've decided we want to do burlesque with this go round. By "we" I mean me and Diana. Sarah is just being blindly led into this silent betrayal with us but she won't say a word. In reality, I care not. Too many reasons to even bother blogging about.

The final bit of news is that I'm trying to sublet my apartment and move a little farther from campus. If my plan works, I'll save alot of money and get out of this sheltered college, city bubble I've been living in for the past 4+ years.

It's time to grow up!

Sweet

:-) :-) :-)

Smiles all around! God is good! I'm so elated right now! Life is great, haha. I finished my summer school class today. My dad paid for it for me so I don't have to worry about my account going to collections, and I get to stay in my apartment for another year. I LOVE my apartment & I HATE moving so that is just fabulous.

And last but not least, I really have something special goin on with a very attractive, hard working, incredibly sweet man. He's so cute. I just think about him and smile. :-) I honestly can not remember the last time I was feelin someone this hard. He's 25 & tall and he's a country boy which normally isn't my flavor but he really satisfies me & every way so far. I'm very intrigued....
We give each other massages, watch movies, just lay in bed all afternoon, text during the day. The usual things I laugh at other people for doing. He makes me so comfortable around him it's just like nothing else really matters. Oh God, listen to me...I got it bad....and that makes me deliciously nervous.

untitled

In the midst of writing songs today, I scrolled through my journal and stumbled upon this poem I wrote a little while ago. I don't think I liked it much when I first wrote it, but today I'm really feelin' it. So, I'm posting it:

I have such intimate dreams
in which reality deems itself prisoner
to an overbearing fantasy.

I rationalize, as the stars capitalize on my
vulnerability.

dreams which enlighten my soul,
dreams that make me feel whole,
dreams that make me wish I didn't dream,
that way reality wouldn't seem so dismal.

The calamity of a broken home
The truth we seek, but see only in undertones
The void we feel; that of a king who's lost his throne
We're all thrown, so now,
I walk alone...

To my dreams.
I am the portrait which the rest of the room
is centered around,
Dreams may come and go
Yet I remain unchanged,
Everything around me is simply rearranged,
As one dream goes and the next ordains.

Creative Juices Just Flowin'!

Man, does it feel good to be alive!

The past two weeks brought much stress but how fantastic is it now that everything fell into place so perfectly. I finally got in touch with my uncle Leonard in Malawi a few days ago. He called and we chatted for a bit; he is a very educated man I discovered. He works as the Director of Parks & Wildlife in Malawi which is a very small country above Mozambique. He and my father's mother was Malawian. Anyway, he is putting the money from my dad into my account soon so my brokeness can temporarily desist and I can pay my summer school bill. Tudo bom!!

EXCITING NEWS! This guy, PJ, who used to be in Flava, but left to pursue music, is now a member of a hip hop group called Embassy. They were close to getting signed by Sony once, but anyway Lady Gaga is coming here in September and they are opening for her. Sooo PJ asked us to be their backup dancers for the show! Sooo awesome! I'm going to be on stage right before Lady Gaga...dancing!! I'm very excited about it. Gotta hit the gym for real before this one. Their myspace is www.myspace.com/1embassy. Their stuff sounds good, too. Should be delicious!

Another tasty happening in the life of Lo: I have a boo! ;-) Now I know I have many boos but this one is very romantic & exciting. He is very respectful and seems to really like me. The thing that sucks is I met this fine Dominican guy who works at Wal-mart around here and though he has a tricky accent & says some questionable things, he seems to be very sweet also. But I've already made out with boy #1 and I actually really like kissing him, which is rare, because I generally am not big on kissing. Either way, I want to keep the discussion of him to a minimum so I don't force myself into any habitual over thinking.

VERY EXCITING NEWS!! Me & Alex finished recording the first song for my demo! It's called "When You Say" and it's so tight. It really became something even greater than I thought when I first went in and recorded it acappella. He's really helped make it come to life! It's very exciting to have a song I wrote,vocally arranged, and sang. Too too cool. I love it! 3 more to go... it's so fun being creative & just using the talent God gave you!


:-) yay.

;-)

I should sleep.

But...I have insomnia of course. I am just so energized right now. I'm about to choreograph a dance & do it over & over in hopes that I will be so exhausted after, I'll fall right out. I have so much passion festering inside of me, I don't even know where to place it. I've been doing so much writing lately. I finished so many songs that me & Alex are recording and it really feels good. I really am as talented as I believed I was deep down inside, which is refreshing & exciting. I have a true passion for life again; it's delicious!

I got my group a gig at a new burlesque show beginning August 8th. Our relationship with Lyric Ave has been somewhat destroyed because grown folk just don't know how to act: a sad truth, but it matters not. This show we are at least guaranteed to walk away with ca$h money, not much, but money is money. The best part is that the lady is charge of booking acts liked our video so much, she said we don't even have to strip we can just dance and get paid. Our dances are already pretty sexy anyway so we'll wear just enough that we feel comfortable and I know we'll wow the crowd because...well, we are FLAVA. I'm very excited. The more exposure we can get, the better. Also, since this is a monthly show we can expand and really grow creatively because we'll have to come up with fresh concepts more frequently. I am trying to get to a position where I can use my dancing as my livelihood for a while until I can get my music together. I mainly write ballads but Alex has really good music I can definitely dance to so we're going to write upbeat songs together and hopefully it'll be magic. I know it will. I'm just so excited for the future.

I'm still penniless...but my dad has two g's at the bank in Mozambique waiting for me. I just have to get it together. Until then...I'll be vivendo bem com pouco!

let's be real...

I'm really struggling.

emotionally, financially, just generally. I know my financial situation will improve, but my emotions are overwhelming. I feel so sad and I am finally putting together the pieces of my past. The immeasurable amount of suppression I've done over the years of my pain and the breaking of my family is surfacing. It just seems like a dream now. I separate those years from my reality because I forget what it was like to have a father there. I try to hold on to those days when we all lived together in a house and functioned as a family and there were no struggles; well, none that I could see as a child; nothing to break us. Yet, today we're in pieces, and I still can't figure it out. I never cried about this when it was happening. Everything just happened and there were never any questions or answers. I always thought we'd be put back together and the situation was temporary. Now, it's been so long and I realize my heart is broken. And so I struggle more and more everyday. I kept trying to justify so much to myself. All I really need is for something to happen so that I know there is a father for me out there. Talking to him on the phone is not enough. I am seeking tangibility in this relationship. And yet, I also fear that when I get what I want it will never be enough, or I will wish I had left it alone. The man has so many faces. I look in the mirror everyday and see one of them, and I'm sad that he can't see it himself.

This situation sucks.

R.I.P Michael Jackson

As everyone knows I have been completely shocked and distraught over the death of the iconic Michael Jackson. It is not my concern whether people can relate nor understand how I can mourn the death of someone I did not actually know personally. All I do know is that Michael's musical influence impacted my life more than any other artist who came after him. As a dancer , singer and a lover of music in general, Michael gave me so much. I will never stop celebrating his life as a musician and how he changed pop culture. This man single handedly destroyed racial lines in pop music and has become the biggest international music star who ever lived. That is nothing to overlook and obviously did not come without a serious cost to Michael's personal life. That which is none of our business should not alter the way we view this man as an entertainer because he truly is incomparable and legendary, and will never be forgotten.




RIP M.J. We love you.