hmmm

Everybody wants to give their two cents about everybody else's lives.

What they fail to realize is other people don't value their opinion as much as they'd like to believe.


sorry

the confusion lives

I wish being a female didn't entail having so many powerful and uncontrollable emotions.

I just want shit to be simple like it is for guys.

half the time I think I want something and when I turn around, I realize I wanted something completely different.

I think it's just the idea of having anything that gets me all misty eyed and confused.

I always forget that everything=nothing.

;-)

rainy day blurb

I'm reading the BEST book. for real...

Midnight, by Sista Souljah is the prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever (another amazing book!) and my sister lent it to me to read this weekend. I am so hooked on it and just started two nights ago. I cannot put it down and when I'm not reading it I'm thinkin about reading it lol. It's love.

I identify with the main character alot because he is Sudanese and views Black America in a very comparable to how my eyes see it. Though I wasn't African born, I have an African father and through observing him, I saw what true dignity was. It's sad that it doesn't translate well throughout the majority of Black American culture, as it is today.

African born. My father was not a king, but he was a phenomenon. The things he taught and showed me were more valuable than the three sparkling diamonds he placed in the palm of my hand.

I love this because I feel the same way about my father. Except he never placed diamonds in my hand, just gold. Pure, shiny, straight to the core gold. REAL African gold. Midnight goes on to speak about how his father was an advisor to the prime minister, as my father was an advisor to the president of Mozambique and just the descriptions of an African man gave me warm, remininescent feelings.

Bottom line is...I just love this book.








IN other news...I am gettin drug tested for the pharmacy tech position then I should be starting later this week or early next week. Until then I'll be working nights at the phone bank for State Rep Ron Buxton. I'm emailing my resume out to Denver places NOW because I need to be doing a real job. I found the perfect job out there as a marketing & communications specialist. I hope they give me a chance because I want to utilize the skills I have before I'm an old fogey. But I am going to be applying for some grad schools soon.

I want to write a book! I've started so many and just never stuck with them. But when you read something that really rocks you right down to your core, you wanna do that for other people. We'll see...

Lord, help me

I haven't blogged in such a long time because there has been too much to say. Most of it I will let float off into the abyss because I'm not in a very reflective mood. I'm mentally fatigued. Issues I'd suppressed for so long came up in my idle time. This is why I need to dive into something. I need to get a life, for real. After graduating I took five months to just relax and do nothing. Now I have a bolt of energy and am trying to get back the motivation I lost. It's so strange that just five months ago I was producing, running, and performing in a show and getting my degree the next day. Then I left Richmond and have been doing alot of nothing besides endlessly researching ways for self-improvement and working out to transform my body into what I wanted it to be. Now I've accomplished those things and I need to start living my life again. I feel like I haven't been actively participating in my own life. How does one get to this strange place? My mood changes so often. I go from hot to cold, I cry and feel like the world will end, then I experience manic moods where I feel like I can do anything. I thank God for the mania because that's when I get things done.

I am happy that I am taking this time to be celibate. I feel like I used sex in therapeutic ways that were essentially counterproductive. Sex does not equal love, but I guess I wasn't capable of comprehending alot of things that would have made that clearer to me. I learned my lesson. I bound myself to guys through sexual intimacy and though I was perfectly okay with knowing I didn't love them, discovering they didn't really love me either was unbearable. How hypocritical, I guess. And I HATE hypocrisy.

I learned valuable lessons through those mistakes...

If I could stop thinking about him, even for a second...I'd be happier. I'd have some glimmer of hope. But he still consumes me and I still have no idea why. How could someone I knew for such a short period of time have such a hold on my heart. I'm still stuck on him & I still want no one else. I just need to know why....

Gimme some Love

Well, I graduated this month with a Bachelors of Science in Mass Communications. I performed in Muse, a cabaret show that I also co-founded and co-produced with my three girls from Lipstick. And I began assistant teaching Melissa O's new hip hop class. I feel like I have a future to be excited about as I now have time to travel and decide what I really want to do.

Why, then, do I feel so empty inside?

I feel like I really need to find a man to share all of these accomplishments with. I feel alone and there is such a strange emotion that comes with that. I've never known this feeling. It is slightly refreshing to come to a point where I feel like I can be co-dependent and take a shot at an actual relationship. It's just that the person I was excited about venturing into this with is so far out of my reach and I don't know if he'll ever come around.

It's so weird how sometimes I feel like I'd be satisfied with just anyone. Then I find myself in the company of a guy and it's almost as if he's not even really there. I'd rather be alone than be with just anyone. And guys are such slimebags sometimes. The ones you think are your friends show their true intentions and it's just a mess. For instance, the other night I went out to a Latin club with a guy I consider a friend. He had a girlfriend last I checked but revealed to me that night that they'd broken up. Not that his presence in that relationship had ever stopped him from flirting with me before which should've been my first sign. Anyway after the club he came up to watch Precious and started brushing my hair and trying hard to stay the night but I got him to leave by tellin him I had to get up early for breakfast, which was the truth. Anyway he left but the next afternoon he sent me a text sayin "I forgot to tell you, if you wanted breakfast I have sausage at my place, hehehe." Wtf? He said that he knew if he offered I wouldn't refuse. I was like wtf are you talking about. Shit like that really gets on my nerves.

On the other hand, this guy I met a year or so ago who has a son keeps telling me how much he cares for me and how he'd do anything to be with me. He said that I'm what he wants for Christmas. I find that so sweet and I do feel he's sincere but I also feel he's too naive and tender for me. I know I'm capable of being very complicated and difficult and I wouldn't want to put someone like him through that. I don't think he's strong enough.

But the bottom line is....I need a man pronto. I mean even if it's just long enough to get some extra Christmas gifts. :-/

Blitz Time

So much is going on!!

Life is so hectic and I feel like the climax of this year is coming right at its end. I'm graduating in a few WEEKS! And my girls and I are putting on our first cabaret show in less than a month. "Muse" is going to be amazing, I already know that, but damn I'm so glad there are four of us to put this together. We have everything in place but now we just have to promote like crazy. I can't even think because I have too much to do and procrastination is following me everywhere on this journey.

But it's exciting! http://lipstickvixens.weebly.com/index.html...check the website!

IN other news...I'm still single & lonely. Being independent seems to get harder everyday, which makes me wonder if it's just a phase or if I'm really getting that old and pathetic...scary.