rainy day blurb

I'm reading the BEST book. for real...

Midnight, by Sista Souljah is the prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever (another amazing book!) and my sister lent it to me to read this weekend. I am so hooked on it and just started two nights ago. I cannot put it down and when I'm not reading it I'm thinkin about reading it lol. It's love.

I identify with the main character alot because he is Sudanese and views Black America in a very comparable to how my eyes see it. Though I wasn't African born, I have an African father and through observing him, I saw what true dignity was. It's sad that it doesn't translate well throughout the majority of Black American culture, as it is today.

African born. My father was not a king, but he was a phenomenon. The things he taught and showed me were more valuable than the three sparkling diamonds he placed in the palm of my hand.

I love this because I feel the same way about my father. Except he never placed diamonds in my hand, just gold. Pure, shiny, straight to the core gold. REAL African gold. Midnight goes on to speak about how his father was an advisor to the prime minister, as my father was an advisor to the president of Mozambique and just the descriptions of an African man gave me warm, remininescent feelings.

Bottom line is...I just love this book.








IN other news...I am gettin drug tested for the pharmacy tech position then I should be starting later this week or early next week. Until then I'll be working nights at the phone bank for State Rep Ron Buxton. I'm emailing my resume out to Denver places NOW because I need to be doing a real job. I found the perfect job out there as a marketing & communications specialist. I hope they give me a chance because I want to utilize the skills I have before I'm an old fogey. But I am going to be applying for some grad schools soon.

I want to write a book! I've started so many and just never stuck with them. But when you read something that really rocks you right down to your core, you wanna do that for other people. We'll see...

Lord, help me

I haven't blogged in such a long time because there has been too much to say. Most of it I will let float off into the abyss because I'm not in a very reflective mood. I'm mentally fatigued. Issues I'd suppressed for so long came up in my idle time. This is why I need to dive into something. I need to get a life, for real. After graduating I took five months to just relax and do nothing. Now I have a bolt of energy and am trying to get back the motivation I lost. It's so strange that just five months ago I was producing, running, and performing in a show and getting my degree the next day. Then I left Richmond and have been doing alot of nothing besides endlessly researching ways for self-improvement and working out to transform my body into what I wanted it to be. Now I've accomplished those things and I need to start living my life again. I feel like I haven't been actively participating in my own life. How does one get to this strange place? My mood changes so often. I go from hot to cold, I cry and feel like the world will end, then I experience manic moods where I feel like I can do anything. I thank God for the mania because that's when I get things done.

I am happy that I am taking this time to be celibate. I feel like I used sex in therapeutic ways that were essentially counterproductive. Sex does not equal love, but I guess I wasn't capable of comprehending alot of things that would have made that clearer to me. I learned my lesson. I bound myself to guys through sexual intimacy and though I was perfectly okay with knowing I didn't love them, discovering they didn't really love me either was unbearable. How hypocritical, I guess. And I HATE hypocrisy.

I learned valuable lessons through those mistakes...

If I could stop thinking about him, even for a second...I'd be happier. I'd have some glimmer of hope. But he still consumes me and I still have no idea why. How could someone I knew for such a short period of time have such a hold on my heart. I'm still stuck on him & I still want no one else. I just need to know why....

Gimme some Love

Well, I graduated this month with a Bachelors of Science in Mass Communications. I performed in Muse, a cabaret show that I also co-founded and co-produced with my three girls from Lipstick. And I began assistant teaching Melissa O's new hip hop class. I feel like I have a future to be excited about as I now have time to travel and decide what I really want to do.

Why, then, do I feel so empty inside?

I feel like I really need to find a man to share all of these accomplishments with. I feel alone and there is such a strange emotion that comes with that. I've never known this feeling. It is slightly refreshing to come to a point where I feel like I can be co-dependent and take a shot at an actual relationship. It's just that the person I was excited about venturing into this with is so far out of my reach and I don't know if he'll ever come around.

It's so weird how sometimes I feel like I'd be satisfied with just anyone. Then I find myself in the company of a guy and it's almost as if he's not even really there. I'd rather be alone than be with just anyone. And guys are such slimebags sometimes. The ones you think are your friends show their true intentions and it's just a mess. For instance, the other night I went out to a Latin club with a guy I consider a friend. He had a girlfriend last I checked but revealed to me that night that they'd broken up. Not that his presence in that relationship had ever stopped him from flirting with me before which should've been my first sign. Anyway after the club he came up to watch Precious and started brushing my hair and trying hard to stay the night but I got him to leave by tellin him I had to get up early for breakfast, which was the truth. Anyway he left but the next afternoon he sent me a text sayin "I forgot to tell you, if you wanted breakfast I have sausage at my place, hehehe." Wtf? He said that he knew if he offered I wouldn't refuse. I was like wtf are you talking about. Shit like that really gets on my nerves.

On the other hand, this guy I met a year or so ago who has a son keeps telling me how much he cares for me and how he'd do anything to be with me. He said that I'm what he wants for Christmas. I find that so sweet and I do feel he's sincere but I also feel he's too naive and tender for me. I know I'm capable of being very complicated and difficult and I wouldn't want to put someone like him through that. I don't think he's strong enough.

But the bottom line is....I need a man pronto. I mean even if it's just long enough to get some extra Christmas gifts. :-/

Blitz Time

So much is going on!!

Life is so hectic and I feel like the climax of this year is coming right at its end. I'm graduating in a few WEEKS! And my girls and I are putting on our first cabaret show in less than a month. "Muse" is going to be amazing, I already know that, but damn I'm so glad there are four of us to put this together. We have everything in place but now we just have to promote like crazy. I can't even think because I have too much to do and procrastination is following me everywhere on this journey.

But it's exciting! http://lipstickvixens.weebly.com/index.html...check the website!

IN other news...I'm still single & lonely. Being independent seems to get harder everyday, which makes me wonder if it's just a phase or if I'm really getting that old and pathetic...scary.

Love: The competition of fools who always lose...

It wasn't love...

nor anything to resemble it at all...so what am I still clinging to? The possibility.

in any situation where the possibility of love is present, we find it difficult to leave. All I needed was more time and I would've opened up....just a little more time...

Now I'm back to my independent, self-sufficient self. Freedom's taste is always bittersweet. I escaped the grasp of the unknown, but now I go back to the same ole.

As I weigh them repeatedly: "unknown", "same ole"... I think I'd like something different for a change.

But damn...it's too late...or is it?

Quem sabe!

Secrets: some mine, some his, some our's....

How beautiful the day will be, if ever it shall come, that I have partial contentment and satisfaction. I say partial, because I don't seek complete contentment nor complete satisfaction. In that state, I feel I would become stagnant. I am a fan of constant progression but I want to at least be content in the path that I choose. I wonder if I should even attempt to apply this to matters of the heart. My emotions are so ephemeral. Well, emotions are ephemeral in nature but I wish my affections toward people would last long enough for me to have a full blown relationship. I can't keep changing my mind.

All elusiveness aside, I have been dating two guys: Rogers, the Dominican with the cute accent and beautiful caramel brown complexion who is also slightly stalkerish and just borderline crazy, and Matt, the country boy, tall and statuesque, simple, yet irritatingly enigmatic. I am physically attracted to both and drawn to them for different reasons.

Matt is so sweet and his Southern charm is something I am not used to but have grown surprisingly fond of. There is no surprise in the fact that I am attracted to Rogers because I usually am a sucker for the whole seemingly naive foreigner with the sexy accent. When we're together he is very sweet and so sexy. But when we communicate over the phone, which at this point is our primary form of communicating, it's just tedious and exacting. He becomes demanding, uber sensitive and constantly asking why I can't make time for him etc. But on the plus side, at least we're communicating!

Matt and I interact well intimately, but sometimes when we're together there isn't alot of verbal communication. And we never have telephone conversations. Matt is definitely not a conversationalist by any means. He is completely blue collar, which Rogers is right now as well but he plans to go to college. Matt finds college a waste of his time. That's fine but I feel like I need more of an intellectual to relate to when it comes time for me to really engage in a true conversation, which I need to do on the regular. Also, I know it's stupid but I find astrology so accurate! Not horoscopes usually but just the descriptions of the signs. When I first found out Matt was a Scorpio I immediately consulted multiple astrology websites to find out our compatibility. It said that we could have a great sexual connection but should not attempt a relationship. I know I shouldn't let that sway me but it does stay in the back of my mind.

UPDATE: I drafted this blog a few days ago and since then some noteworthy things have definitely taken place....

So Thursday night, Rogers and I went to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself at the Bowtie Cinemas. Of course, he was a gentlemen like he usually is, but I still had feelings of anxiety and guilt right from the start. My eyes kept darting back and forth around the streets, and in cars, trying to make sure none of Matt's friends were around. Matt went to Vegas Thursday so I knew he would at least be no where in sight. Anyway, Rogers wanted to hold hands and do couple like things and I just complied in an effort not to upset or offend him, but I knew inside that I was wasting both of our time at this point. After the movie we went to 3rd St Diner and he made a call to the Dominican Republic. Usually, this would have irritated me but I was relieved that we didn't have to engage in much conversation. Then, on the way home he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't say yes for obvious reasons. I felt, no, I still feel awful. Though I don't trust him, I couldn't help but feel sympathy when he talked about how he feels so lonely here sometimes and wishes he could go home alot. Man, I just led him on and wasted his time. But I thought I liked him! I do like him...sometimes. Well he wouldn't let me go until I gave him an answer. I just said I couldn't say yes because I don't feel like I know him well enough now. He said he feels like I put a wall between he and I and he doesnt like that. He told me if I don't let myself go then I will have to become a monk or something. Sigh...when he reluctantly let me walk into my building I kept turning around to look back and he was just sitting on his car watching me the whole time. It was slightly bizarre but also a bit romantic... I guess.

In Matt news, he called last night to talk for a while which made me happy. Especially since when I was at the movies w/ Rogers and he left to use the restroom, I checked my cell and saw Matt had texted me saying he was poolside in Vegas thinking about me and wishing I was there. I was like perfect timing! Just make me feel worse! But that's what I get anyway. He wants to do movie night this week so this time I have to make him talk to me about everything. I need to figure out ALOT of shit.


Well, the dance world is still spinnin at least. We're preparing for the second & third burlesque shows now since we don't have another performance with Niya until next month. I'm excited about the new concept. We're thinking of wearing trench coats, with lingerie underneath and using umbrellas. We'll dance to Danity Kane "Striptease". That's the plan for now anyway. Sunday should be interesting because we have practice with Flava, who we are not doing this burlesque show with :-x, and then we're goin to work with Melissa after who we've decided we want to do burlesque with this go round. By "we" I mean me and Diana. Sarah is just being blindly led into this silent betrayal with us but she won't say a word. In reality, I care not. Too many reasons to even bother blogging about.

The final bit of news is that I'm trying to sublet my apartment and move a little farther from campus. If my plan works, I'll save alot of money and get out of this sheltered college, city bubble I've been living in for the past 4+ years.

It's time to grow up!